Flightplan: SeanBeanSeanBeanSeanBean

What? This is a Jodie Foster movie? Yes, that's right but here is Sean again! Unfortunately, stuck in his supporting actor role, he doesn't get to take center stage in this misguided thriller. Nothing against Jodie, because I love her, but this mother-daughter stuff is just o.k. I kind of liked Panic Room, because of the colorful bad guys, but I'm starting to not be able to buy what's she's selling. I admit I was excited about the movie when I saw the trailer. I liked that she knew the plane and was going to have some fun running around it, chasing bad guys, looking for her kid. I identified with the kid loss aspect because I too have a six year old. If I lost her, I'd fall down dead with grief. But there were certain events that derailed this movie which was just too bad.

I don't want to do any spoilers here today. But I read a news story about Flightplan shortly after the movie came out. It seems a group of employees in the airline industry protested the portrayal of their characters in this film. Quite frankly, they ruined the story. I tried to forget but I couldn't completely fool myself and it did bum me out. Toward the end of the film we find out "why Jodie?" It happens over a couple of scenes and I got that frown on my face, like "did someone just bullshit me?" The explanation didn't work. I found the "you're crazy, lady" storyline annoying after a while. And Sean, as the captain, didn't act as I would expect him to. Since 9/11 (and they reference that in the movie) there are very specific rules for when things go wrong on an international flight - or any flight. For example, overly loud or irrational passengers and physical altercations. So many things go wrong on this plane that any sane captain would have had such heebie jeebies the plane would have been landed asap. But time and time again they just let it go.

There are certain "unbelieveialities" (Ha ha - what a stupid fake word-perfect for this blog!) that I can handle. Like in The Island. That's set in the future where just about anything can happen. But Flightplan is set in this time period and I can't get past so many shortcomings. In a final annoyance I checked IMDB and found out that Erika Christensen played one of the flight attendants. What was so irratating about this was that Erika got so much screen time but never really did anything. I kept waiting for her to unmask herself as SOMETHING - a good guy or a bad guy. I got zip nada from her. I figure she must have been dating the director.

Hellboy: Channel your inner 11 year old

You know I haven't yet seen Fantastic Four but my question is, how did they pass up Ron Perlman for the role of The Thing? I mean, he would have been perfect! But I'm sure Michael Chiklis did a terrific job and when I see it, I'll let you know.

Hellboy was a great flick. Perfect for muching the popcorn and slurping the soda. Sitting in my basement I did none of those things but I'm sure it would have added to the enjoyment. Speaking of eating and drinking there was an odd thing that happened with product placement in this movie. There were only two products, beer and candy bars. What's odd about this is that in a pre-teen movie, I would expect to see dozens of products from just about everything. But there were the candy bars and the six pack of beer done in an in-your-face kind of way. That's it. The camera zoomed up, showed us the product, and panned away. Off to the next scene. As if they said "check! product placement scene complete." They should have just left them out. I think the product placement sales guy took off in the middle of his shift.

Hellboy (Ron) was dark and broody and missing his girlfriend. He has a soft spot for cats. When we see him for the first time as he's introduced to his new keeper I was startled. I thought he ate the cats! Whew! Glad we cleared that up. He had a couple of cute nicknames, "HB" and "Red". I don't know if they do that in the comic book but it must be awkward shouting, "hey Hellboy, what's shakin'?" Red was good for me. I have yet to see an un-made-up Ron Perlman but he certainly fit the role physically. I liked that cool rock arm they gave him. I guess he was channeling his inner pussycat with that swishy tail. And the cigars! I thought the stubby stogies fit him very well. What does he care about smoking? He's a demon! A zippo is always a cool accessory.

I enjoyed the villain Rasputin, played by Karel Roden, especially when he was conjured up from a pool of blood. That was creepy yet fascinating. What confused me at the end, however, was his frustration with Hellboy who wasn't completing his duties as expected. During other scenes, Rasputin is unflappable. But in the face of Hellboy's little rebellion, he gnashes his teeth and shakes his fist as if they put mustard on his quarter pounder. But I still liked him.

The monster, Sammael, even gets a credit. He (it) was played by a dude named Brian Steele. I think Brian is pretty good at this sort of thing as monsters are his specialty. Sammael, with his snakey dredlocks, reminded me of our excellent Predator friends from those movies of the same name. Very fond memories, there.

I liked Hellboy because it took itself seriously but didn't hesistate to enjoy the work. The characters were earnest without being overly so. And finally, the romance between Hellboy and Selma Blair gave new meaning to the phrase "hot burnin' love."

Curious George The Movie: "That was awesome!"

...shouted my six year old at the end of this oh-so-cute movie. A few parents around us chuckled and agreed. While I have raved about other animated films in the past I would have to say this is one for the kids. They really enjoyed it but I could have taken a pass.

My four year old mentioned a few times during the movie "we've been watching for hours!" in a sure sign of boredom. I thought they could have picked up the pace a bit too. The boring stuff they plugged in was the trite, embarrassing, uninteresting, and unnecessary relationship between the Man in the Yellow Hat and Maggie, played by one of my least favorite actors, Drew Barrymore, the little slut. As if I have always wondered why The Man in the Yellow Hat doesn't have a girlfriend. When we read these classic stories his marital status is the last thing on my mind. And Drew, drawn with huge anime eyes, takes a superior tone with the bumbling bee-colored explorer, and that annoyed me. Harrumph.

George is very adorable. He is voiced by Frank Welker who coos like a happy baby throughout the film. George is like a non-verbal two year old with the acrobatic ability of The Flying Wallendas. Although he sometimes expresses disappointment, George never gets angry. In a "my dad doesn't love me" storyline, Junior, son of Mr. Bloomsberry, attempts to discredit George. His treachery got caught by my daughter who reported, "he's not nice, Mommy." Not nice indeed.

I've read reviews of this film where folks hacked on the animation, that it wasn't up to par. I thought it was pretty, and brightly colored (lots of yellow!). The kids were engaged. But I would ask that the script writers decide in advance what they want to do with a film. If they are going to make me sit there in the theater for 86 minutes, then the grown up storyline needs to really grab me. If not, then keep the story at the kid level and go straight to dvd. That way I can still do the laundry while they watch it.

TROY: Sean Bean is Magic and the Slave Girls Are Back

After complaining about Sean's work in National Treasure, now I see him everywhere! In Troy he plays Odysseus, the guy who's supposed to keep Achilles in line, if that were possible. More about him later.

I'd like to share a little tidbit. I'm of Greek descent. My Dad used to tell me about the Greek gods and we even had a copy of Bullfinch's Mythology on the shelf. So I had some rudimentary knowledge of the story of the battle of Troy. When the movie started I tried to remember the players: Achilles, Paris, Helen. That's as far as I got. It started to come back thinking, "yeah, Agamemnon, that nutjob." But I was surprised during that first scene with Paris - who was that other guy? Hector? Who is he? What I found out is that Hector was the true hero of the story. Achilles, on the other hand, is a pig. I had to laugh (inappropriately) when we first meet him: a boy has been sent to find him to fight as Agamemnon's champion. So where is he? Piled on his sleeping furs with not one but TWO beautiful women. It's as if someone checked out the script for "Alexander" and said, "Achilles will NOT be gay!, Not gay!" They weren't going to screw that up. But the bottom line is that Achilles is not a nice guy, one could say barely honorable. Which was very big in those days. A helpful voiceover in the beginning of the movie sets the tone for the relationship between Agamemnon and Achilles so we know those two are going to be trouble.

One of the biggest surprises for me was the portrayal of Paris, played by the plucky Orlando Bloom. I find out that he's really just a boy. He has no battle experience and is basically a pampered prince coddled by his older brother Hector and his father. He's been shagging Helen, wife of Menelaus, right in the middle of peace talks and then he steals her away! For love. What a dope! Hector thinks so too but it's an awful dilemma: return Helen and be killed or continue to Troy and start a war.

I need to talk a little bit about Brad and technical details. I realize why Brad Pitt was chosen for the role: he's a popular actor, hunky, and a draw for male and female movie viewers. But I don't feel he was right for the role of Achilles. The way he spoke his lines didn't ring true for me. I tend to imagine that actors in these epic films have spent time on the stage, honing their skills with Shakespeare. But not Brad. His sentences were clunky as he worked with the formal speech, like he couldn't wrap his mouth around the words. Sure he has a nice body (I mean, really sure) but it didn't seem fabulously warrior special. Achilles is supposed to be nigh invulnerable. Mom dipped him in the river Styx, effectively giving him skin of steel. I really expected him to take an arrow to the chest, and have it bounce off. But the filmmakers never did that. I wonder if they thought it would be too cartoonish. He ran around a lot, and fought, but again, I didn't see any particular skills that were so special. His dyed blond hair was brassy and unattractive, even showing roots in some scenes. They should have kept it natural. There's nothing that says that Achilles must be blond. It was ugly hair.

I'm back again to discussing people's teeth. Specifically, actors with veneers. You can see them! And while I hate to be a stickler for details there were no veneers in ancient Greece! The extent of dental work was pulling out rotten teeth, not covering them up and making them beautiful and white. Agamemnon, played by Brian Cox, has a nice set of choppers. But they were not authentic.

"Cue the dancing slave girls!" Here we go again. Troy had that same MGM old time epic film feel. It was a big undertaking but it missed the mark. The Trojan War was a complicated story and I give them credit for maintaining the threads throughout. But I tried to find a sympathetic character and the only ones I could really like were Hector, played by Eric Bana, and Odysseus, played by my man Sean. It didn't make me laugh, or cry or feel much of anything. The fighting was never really clever, even with the horse. The city of Troy had a soundstage feel to it so I didn't mind when they burned it down. It was just a bad movie. Skip this one.

Layer Cake: Dude's the New Bond?

Huh. I don't know if I'm going to do spoilers or not. If one pops in I'll be sure to put in the warning. I don't like to ruin anyone's fun! I liked this movie. I enjoy gangster films with dangerous situations, clever and not-so-clever criminals, and head-busting scenes. The accents make it fun to listen to if you don't mind thinking over and over: "What? What the heck did he just say?" British films are good for that. Does anyone remember Snatch? I don't and I saw it. I can't remember what anyone said because I couldn't understand it the first time around. And I was a language major!

But anyway. Onto Daniel Craig. We learn about our main character's flaw right up front. He wants to retire from his lucrative drug business and thinks he's clever enough to do so. Oddly enough, he doesn't like violence and doesn't carry a gun. "I hate guns!" he exclaims. He's sort of prissy about the whole thing as if his work was a high paying 9-5 job like anyone else. But bad guys step in and mayhem ensues for poor Daniel. With lots of funny twists!

I really checked out this guy's apartment. I don't know London, but one of the characters makes mention of Daniel's tony neighborhood. One of the things I like to do sometimes is look closely at the sets. This one was austere, almost as if he were an allergy sufferer or cleaned compulsively. The walls and furniture were dark, gray and concrete looking. It was a man's man kind of bachelor pad with minimal but strong furnishings. Remember that commercial where the guy in the scarf is listening to music so loud it starts to blow his champagne glass over? "Is it real, or is it Memorex?" It was like that. Supercool. He had a nice bed, with luxurious looking sheets.

Daniel himself was dressed pretty nattily all the time. He was a little on the metrosexual side, kind of fussy but good looking nonetheless. I worried that he was so lean, though, that folks wouldn't think he was nourished enough to be the next Bond. They might want to fill out those hollow cheeks a bit prior to filming.

I tried not to like Sienna, because she is so beautiful. But they kept her part small enough that it was never annoying. When he asked "what are you doing?" and she said "nuffing" I was amazed at how cute British women can be. I reflected on how I loathed Renee Zellweger in the last "Bridget" movie but then again, she was only faking being British, fat, and annoying.

Colm Meany (what a cool name) deserves a shout out for his portrayal of Gene, a right hand man. He brings a real grittiness to the role and I'm so glad he's moved on from Star Trek. Morty, played by George Harris, was deceptively violent. I didn't think he had it in him, at first. I enjoyed Morty.

See? No spoilers today. Stick Layer Cake on your Netflix queue, or get it from your local library, like I did. It was a fun violent movie that had me exclaiming "NO!" and laughing several times.

Rumor Has It: Time for Kevin Costner to go away.

*****SPOILER ALERT*****

If you like all the folks who star in this movie you might want to close your browser right now. I have to explain my motivation in seeing this movie. Observant readers might recognize that chick flicks are not my favorite genre. But I went to see it at as a birthday event for a friend of mine, and Memoirs of a Geisha wasn't playing. We have the coolest movie theater around here. It's called Smitty's Cinema Pub and you can order drinks and dinner while watching a film. The good food and company couldn't erase what was going on before my eyes although I wish I could erase it from my memory.

Rumor Has It is a fictional real-life take on The Graduate, as if it were based on the true lives of the characters in this movie. Jennifer Aniston plays the grandaughter of "Mrs. Robinson", artfully played by Shirley MacLaine. Jennifer is a woman in crisis - she's heading home for her little sister's wedding, she doesn't know if she's in love with her fiancee, she's in a dead-end job writing obituaries for a NYC newspaper and she doesn't feel a true member of her family. This is a hard place for a 39 year old woman to be in, and I almost wept for her.

Kevin plays the graduate, but all grown up and incredibly wealthy. Jennifer wants to meet him because she's got this crazy idea that he's her real father. She thinks her mom somehow picked up Grandma's sloppy seconds the week before her wedding. Using her reporters credentials she sneaks in to a conference where he's giving a speech. I swear, I was sitting there in the theater trying to understand the kind of BS he was spouting about Internet search engines. Jennifer is dazzled, of course, and it made me want to puke.

The true insult occurs in how the two get together. In an anticlimatic scene Jennifer learns he's not her father, that it's not possible. O.k., so now she's depressed and he takes her out to get drunk. In a sick and incestuous twist, she's turned on by him and they end up fooling around.

Compared to Shirley MacLaine Kevin was a big dud. O.k., he's a big dud all on his own. Maybe it's his softspoken manner or that he never seems to get mad. But I simply could not buy the relationship between Kevin and Jennifer. I found myself growing more and more annoyed every minute I watched this movie. Definitely not my happy place.

The 40 Year Old Virgin: The chick flick for guys

I think I've discovered a new genre for movies. It's the reverse chick flick. According to Hollywood guys want to go to the movies to see hot chicks, and watch things get blown up. Chicks want to watch love stories with hot guys where everyone hooks up at the end. "Cue the wedding montage!" So how do you have a chick flick for guys? Enter Steve Carrell as the 40 Year Old Virgin. Storyline: Nice guy practices extreme clean living, acts a bit eccentric and has no woman. Well meaning coworkers want to help him break out of his colossal rut and have sex with a woman. Nice guy resists transformation but is ultimately convinced - "Yes! It could be me!"

This movie is hysterical. I watched the unrated version which is extremely dirty, rude, improbable, and, at times, bizarre. Andy, our protagonist, is a seriously introverted geek who manages the storeroom at an electronics store. His apartment is stuffed with unopened (collectible) toys and one is sure that he is/was a Dungeon and Dragons master. He spends his evenings doing various hobbies or watching tv with the old couple upstairs. He seems to have forgotten his sexual self, evidenced by completely ignoring his morning wood early on in the film. One quickly learns that this movie will cut no corners.

Andy's friends vow to help him out and provide all sorts of misguided advice. It's really cute though, how their friendship is genuine. They're not just trying to make him the butt of a joke. In an early scene they ask if Andy is gay. During his protests Cal, played by Seth Rogan, delivers the line that cracked me up, "I once touched a guy's balls in Hebrew school." This revelation gets no response from the others during their rapid exchange.

I want to warn folks that the unrated version is LONG. With all those filthy dirty deleted scenes stuck back in the film seems to go on forever. But its all pretty funny and proceeds to surprising end. I mean, we all know how its going to end but it's cute nonetheless.

If you're not in the mood to watch stuff blow up but do want to watch a "guy" movie then I recommend The 40 Year Old Virgin. It's got some knee slappers that are worth watching.

The Island: NOW we're talking!

I cannot say enough good things about this movie. I remember when it came out and did terrible in the theaters. I read article after article about how awful box office receipts have been with the theater owners bitching at Hollywood for putting out crappy movies, etc. How folks missed the boat on this one is WAY beyond me.

I loved this movie so much I won't even do any spoilers. But here's the basic plot. It's far in the future where rich folks have learned how to cheat death by buying "insurance policies" with clones of themselves. So when that new heart or liver is required they have full sized replicas of themselves, ready to go. Sounds great. Our docile clone friends are kept in a secret facility where they hang out with one another, staying healthy and working their menial jobs. Whenever one of them is needed for the client, they are winners of a lottery whereby they are sent to a mysterious island to live out their days in nirvana. But here's pesky Ewan McGregor as Lincoln 6 Echo who has a few questions. This is not good and sets up this action-packed thriller nicely.

It doesn't hurt at all to watch Scarlett Johannsen in the role of Jordan. She's curvy and beautiful, Lincoln's special friend (they're not allowed to be boyfriend and girlfriend), is really a nice person and can kick ass too. I really liked the two of them together as they discover the outside world.

The scene stealer is Steve Buscemi as the crusty janitor/custodian character who befriends Lincoln. He tries to teach him the ways of the world but not too much - he wants to keep his job. The series of scenes where he helps the pair escape are hysterical. He gets all the best lines and delivers them snappily.

This flick contains many "movie miracles" where, during The Matrix-styled action sequences, our protagonists don't break any bones or lose any limbs or anything. That was to be expected so it didn't bother me too much.

Sean Bean stars as the clone company's director and I mention him because I like the way he plays the role and best of all, I liked the desk in his office. It's this futuristic light-box surface that uses a crystal pyramid as it's mouse. He instructs Lincoln to draw him a picture and "pushes" a pad of paper graphic across the desk while handing him a stylus. Lincoln scribbles away and then slides it back over to the doc to check it out. Very neat techie stuff.

This movie is a MUST RENT dvd. It's exciting, sensual, and cool. Watch it and tell me how stupid it is.

Metallica: Some Kind of Monster: Or, how to hate Lars Ulrich ten times more than you already do.

I don't think I need to mention there are spoilers because the movie is a documentary. Also folks, if anyone reading this is *not* a Metallica fan you can stop reading right now. Please, click on one of my Amazon links or search something in Google. But non-fans need not be bothered by this post.

I would say I'm pretty late to the Metallica-fan game. I only started really liking and listening to them in the early 90's. I think I'm about done, however, being that the last time I saw them I paid upwards of $70 per ticket and felt kind of "eh" after the show. But my husband and I wanted to check it out nonetheless.

The premise of the movie, um, excuse me, documentary, is to record the making of Metallica's St. Anger album. At first, it's an intriguing view into the music production business. Is that how they write music? Is that how they come up with the lyrics? It seems so stupid: A bunch of really rich rockers sitting around together writing on little scraps of paper. But then their personalities get in the way and it gets interesting.

The most amazing thing happens in this movie. The members of the group work with a therapist to deal with their bassist Jason leaving the band (loss) and learn how to segue into another era of music making millions after twenty plus years of togetherness. At first I was like "are you guys for real?" but then I began to believe it. During their therapy sessions I was first reminded of typical reality TV shows where folks vomit up their innermost feelings with a gleam in their eye. That was what watching Lars was like. Then I saw James, our intrepid lead singer, who was so obviously uncomfortable you could see it onscreen. And Kirk, the peaceable one, squirming on the sofa while nervously glancing at the other two. "Are they going to argue? Yes, oh crap, they are."

And then James goes to rehab and is gone for a year! Right in the middle of shooting! We have scenes of Lars and Kirk sitting around wondering "is he coming back? I don't know if he's coming back." I don't know if it's the music or the money that brings him back but of course he does. So now we have the newly sober James with a restricted work schedule being bitchy at the others. I had to agree with Lars: "what do you mean I can't listen to the music at 4:01pm? [after James has left for the day] " He points out that part of being a rock and roller is flaunting the rules, being a rebel and all. Even though Lars is a despicable little bastard he was right about that.

I really enjoyed watching them turn on their therapist. That hapless dude never saw it coming. Here he is, slaving for months with these self absorbed millionaires, only to be kicked to the curb like some slutty little groupie. The movie makers don't really show HOW he has helped bring the band back together. He makes a few canned therapist comments like "how does it feel to say these things about your father, Lars?" It comes across as embarrassing and stupid.

Somehow, thanks to Bob Rock as always, the band finishes the album. A very telling scene occurred at the prison where they shot the video for St. Anger. As an aside I saw the premier of the video back when it came out and it was kind of raw. This did not cover the fact that the song sucks. But anyway there is James and he's standing on stage addressing a group of very scary looking convicts and he's shaking! I mean really crapping in his pants kind of scared! I even exclaimed as much to my husband who was not impressed. But I found that his blatant fear made him seem so human to me. That he could be so rich and famous but be reduced at the same time.

There was a funny scene of Lars having a session with Dave Mustaine who CLEARLY has issues with the way he was booted from the band early on. I really think poor Dave really needs to get over it and move on. But I cracked up when he revealed that people see him on the street and yell "Metallica!" taunting him openly. That's the best.

I'm so glad that we Metallica fans can breathe a huge sigh of relief that the band will go on. Lars can continue being smarmy, James badass, Kirk peaceful and their new bassist, whatshisname Trujillo, pysched to be alive and working in the band. Speaking of Trujillo you can see their effort to avoid what they did to Jason, which was to treat him like the red-headed stepchild for 14 years. That was really rude. But, now that I've seen this movie, I know it's because of James' commitment issues and Lars' I-don't-feel-close-enough-to-James issues. I'm not a big fan of Trujillo. I can see he's really talented but I don't dig his braids or the way he jumps around onstage. It's just me.

Cold Mountain: How to spend several hours being sad

****SPOILER ALERT****

Why do I do this to myself? This movie was an impulse borrow from my local library. Thank goodness I didn't pay for it. I broke several personal movie-watching rules by choosing this movie:

1. It's a chick flick (love story)
2. It's a war movie
3. It's a historical movie with horses in it
4. It's got an advertised unhappy ending
5. It's a serious movie with high quality actors

I already can't remember anyone's name in the movie so I'll use the actors first names for simplicity. You have Nicole Kidman playing the dutiful preacher's daughter in this hick southern town of Cold Mountain. I thought she was a little old for the role. At her age she would have been an entrenched spinster or Old Maid. But she's so pretty I got over it. Then there's Jude, the hunky carpenter, who also would not have escaped husband-hood in those days but we move on as well. As expected, the pair are quickly falling in awkward love but the pesky Civil War breaks out and he has to go fight. Their good bye kiss is really hot, however, and I got a little stomach leap when it happened.

Then we have the parade of war horrors on the battlefield and at home. We see, in gory detail, battle scenes of soldiers being brave and getting blown up. I wondered how I could find Braveheart so cool and this so not. On the homefront we see our little lady, unable to care for herself, frightened of a rooster while cowering under the porch. Hard times come to the mountain and there's a serious lack of food. There is also an unfriendly bunch of gangsters who impose their own version of military law over the town. All the news is grim and it takes a LONG time to go through it.

But wait! Jude, after being injured, decides to get the heck out of there and make his way home to Nicole. Renee Zellweger comes to the farm and gets Nicole to pull herself up by the bootstraps. Things are looking up for the ladies but Jude is having a really rough time of it on his journey. There's danger everywhere. He fights starvation by eating tiny live crabs in the swamp. He hides from soldiers hunting for deserters. He faces Yankee soldiers attempting to rape and kill an innocent woman. This is another LONG part of the movie and I kept thinking "when is it going to end?"

Finally our protagonists are together. Really hooked up and having a hot sex scene. Excellent, roll the credits. But no! Our gangsters show up to ruin the day. My jaw dropped and I thought to myself, "NO! Not after all he went through!" But there it was: Jude dies in his lover's arms in a beautifully shot scene on the snowy mountain. I was depressed for a day.

I have to do some shout out's for some folks: Charlie Hunnam played Bosie, a sadistic, albino looking gangster. I've never heard of him, but he was very convincing in his meanness. Natalie Portman played the widow living alone in a cabin with a sick baby. Her loneliness cut me to the core. Jack White played a musician-surprise! I was positively creeped out watching Giovanni Ribisi tangle with the bloated carcass of a cow. Ugh.

On a more positive note my husband rented "The Island" with Ewan and Scarlett. That's more my speed. I'll let you know.

Kingdom of Heaven: A rags to riches to rags story

****SPOILER ALERT****

This movie had a heck of a beginning. The royal dad comes back from the crusade to pick up his really healthy looking blacksmith bastard son, Orlando. (He has some French name but I'll skip that). Orlando takes a pass, then changes his mind (I won't give away why, but it's chilling) and rides off to catch up with dad. Once he does, they reconcile and decide they're going to head back to the land of the crusades, Jerusalem. But here's the cool part: Dad is hooked up with this really cool band of knights, one of whom is this amazingly strapping looking German with braids in his blond hair. During a skirmish with another band of knights, he takes an arrow in the neck and continues to fight - an axe in one hand and a sword in the other. It was totally badass! Unfortunately he expires and is gone from the movie. I was sad to see him go. The remains of the crew head off to Messina. Before they can leave for Jerusalem, however, dad succumbs to his wounds and, in a bizarre ritual, makes Orlando a knight.

Here's where things get hinky. Orlando was presumably raised by his mom and somehow learns this blacksmith trade. That allows him to have these seriously beefy arms. (Nice) But his transformation to a knight somehow gives him the clarity of thought and education that a nobleman would (might) have had. There wasn't enough time to do a "becoming a nobleman" montage before dad kicked it. So where did he get so smart? Let's review the life of a serf in France in 1184: Live in a hovel, wear rags, toil from sunup to sundown, eat poor quality food (especially in winter), pay exorbitant taxes to the lord, repeat. Reading, writing and arithmetic weren't part of the package. Yet, once Orlando assumes his role as lord of his sandcastle, he is seen in his "home office" reviewing the accounts and WRITING things! Oh, and in his spare time, he woos the married princess and becomes an expert battle tactician. I find it hard to believe he would have the class for even being able to touch the bottom of her sandal. But hey, that's Hollywood.

The English dudes in this movie do a much better job at looking haggard and dirty. Even Liam Neeson was much more roadworn than Orlando as the blacksmith. I will NOT talk about Orlando's teeth, even though I really want to say how inappropriately white they were. No toothbrushes for serfs! No Crest! No dentists! I have an obsession with teeth.

You know who I liked in this movie? Jeremy Irons. He played Tiberius, the king's man-at-arms I think. He has this cool eye scar (not like in Alexander) that made him look fierce and authentic. I thought his name was odd, however. Tiberius is a good Roman name. I would have thought something Christian would be typical.

The best line in this movie was delivered by Liam. He says to his son: "I once fought for three days with an arrow through my testicle." That's good stuff. We chuckled.

This movie had a good start but petered off into a ho-hum boring, trite storyline of the boy who makes good. I couldn't buy his motivation or those of all who found him to be so compelling. Ridley, where's my Bladerunner?!

The Longest Yard: Adam gets his kicks in the can

I can't believe I picked this movie to watch by myself. I needed "Cheers" style friends (those who know my name), beers and nachos. That's the kind of atmosphere that really makes this movie pop. But whatever, I watched it anyway.

I usually skip Adam Sandler movies. I can't stand it when he uses that simpering lisp for his characters in roles such as "The Waterboy." But this was different. When it came out I read a couple of reviews that said, hey, this one's alright. And it was! I was amazed. Adam's character is subdued and sticks to dry humor. This allows the other characters, such as Chris Rock, to take center stage. Adam stood still in the middle of this motley crew and let them do their stuff. That was odd, but sometimes funny.

I found the casting also strange until I saw he was one of the producers. Then it made sense. I have a 411 for folks: Adam Sandler is not incredibly good looking, nor is he tall or especially buff. Did I believe he was a former star quaterback, now fallen from grace? No. I also couldn't believe that Courtney Cox would ever date him, but she was gone shortly into the film so it didn't really matter.

You know who I really liked in this film? Nelly. I had to go to imdb to find out his character's name: Megget. I couldn't remember because I never heard it correctly. What the hell kind of name is Megget? Why can't it be Bob or something easy? Anyway, Nelly was clever and engaging and had seriously ugly teeth, which as a prisoner, was believable to me. Go Nelly.

This is the way to watch a football game. I like football. It's fun and cool. But it's better when it's set to rockin' tunes and the whole game lasts about 20 minutes. Plus, you know which team will win. Your team! No annoying time outs, or commercials, just foot tappin' action.

****SPOILER ALERT****

During the movie we waited patiently to learn about Adam's point-shaving past. "That was never proven!" he exclaims. But his fellow inmates are skeptical. And then, in crunchtime, it finally comes out - he did it! That simple scene made it real for me. He was a true criminal, disgraced in his career, and he deserved to pay for his crime.

Sahara: A series of improbable events

****SPOILER ALERT****

Wow. Does Clive Cussler know how to spin a story or what? The plotlines in this movie were wound tighter than the Gordian Knot. There was not a loose thread anywhere. I liked that. Although I had a groin pull by the end with all my leaps of faith. I was worn out by trying to maintain a shred of believeability. But hell, that's what the movies are for, right?

Let's talk about teeth. Specifically, Matt's and Penelope's. It's no wonder they found each other attractive. They both bring new meaning to the phrase "megawatt smile." I'm not exactly sure how they do it, but I have never seen teeth bigger or brighter than on those two folks. Their dentists should get a bonus for that one.

Did I enjoy this movie? Yeah, I guess. It was really fun to watch on my new big screen tv (I'm in dvd-watching nirvana). Did I really like it? No. Not really. Maybe I could pretend that rebels in foreign countries could be sympathetic to Americans if it were a historical piece. But Sahara is a modern film and most likely our protagonists would all have had a bullet in the back of the head for their trouble, relatively soon into the film. But that would have made for a very unsatisfying 30 minutes or so.

Fair Game: A stinker of immense proportions.

*****SPOILER ALERT*****but no one will care.

I'll come right out and say it. Cindy Crawford's breasts are shown in this movie. Or a body double's. It doesn't matter. This is noteworthy because if this 1995 movie were made today, with the same actors (unlikely), there would have been only sexual tension in their banter in order to recieve the coveted PG-13 rating. This movie had enough of a stupid plot, dialog, and explosions to court the pre-teen market. But the boobs and the Baldwin-butt sex scene knocked the kids out of the running.

This was a really bad movie. And I typically enjoy them. I tried very hard to give Cindy the benefit of the doubt and I even gave her a small thumbs up as she told a bad joke with a goofy smile. What I'm ashamed of is Salma Hayek, cast as the fiery hispanic ex-girlfriend. She was shrilly overacting her part as she inexplicably worked to get Max' crap out of her apartment. I needed to know why she hated him so much. It was important to me. He seemed like a nice guy who was trying to get a new place. O.k., so they broke up. Why was she so angry? It didn't work.

There was the typical parade of villians with bad accents (Russian and Cuban) this time. They were really boring and predictable. I found the basis of the plot amusing - they were hacking into the PHONE LINES! Wow! That's catchy technology. They used MODEMS. This led to the annoying mistake. I could accept that they were tracking Cindy's location (through inexplicable mobile technology - a satellite on top of their black SUV?) when the cop uses her account to buy a pizza. Sure, the restaurant has it on file. She's a regular. But then, during their high paced race to safety, Cindy and Billy keep checking into hotels with her credit card. "Do you have any cash?" asks Max. Jesus, the woman was blown from her balcony by a bomb in her TV! "I have a credit card," responds Kate blithely. I saw her. She was wearing her blouse, (very short) skirt, and heels. I'll give them that she didn't lose her shoes in the lagoon but give me a break. She wasn't carrying her purse.

Yawn. I'll try to do better next time. I promise.

Hitch: A chick flick that gets some laughs

I swear, I must have been in the best mood last night. Maybe it was the holiday and all, taking the kids trick or treating, cracking a beer, whatever. But the man and I bought a movie-on-demand and there it was. As a quick aside, whatever happened to Pay-per-view? I thought that worked perfectly well and then they went and changed it. But onto Hitch.

Why did I like this movie? I have no idea. It was formulaic and adhered to it's script with gorilla glue: Hero Will Smith is on top but has no love. Hero meets girl, falls in love. Makes strides with her. She does a bad thing, relationship falls apart. Hero is down. Intrepid sidekick (Kevin James) points out the error of his ways. "Fight for her, you coward!" Hero pulls himself up by his bootstraps, chases the woman of his dreams. They get together. Cue wedding montage. That's boring stuff.

I probably liked it because of Will Smith and Kevin James. They were good together. Will plays the smooth, charming guy that gets the chicks. (Anyone remember his work with Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys?) Kevin played the awkward, anxiety ridden chubby guy with skill. They are both really funny! Their antics made me laugh.

Unfortunately, the women weren't funny. Eva Mendes was brittle, and I didn't buy her warming up to Will. The heiress, Allegra, was a cardboard cutout. They just carried her from place to place, propped her up, and had Kevin talk to her. Eva's sidekick was a weak little mouse with no brain. And maybe it was my TV, but none of them seemed particularly gorgeous or interesting. I had a hard time understanding why the men were falling for them so hard.

Odd script note: Both Will and Eva used the term of endearment "Pumpkin" in the movie. Will when speaking to that dastardly villian Vance, and Eva with her sidekick. But they never got close enough to use it with each other.

You know what? New York City gets a bad rap because of these movies. Folks who have never even been to Manhattan see these movies and think everyone lives in a penthouse, or in a loft in Soho. Did you check out Eva's apartment? We're talking millions of dollars. There is NO WAY a gossip columnist at the local rag (NY Post equivalent) would be making enough scratch to afford a place like that. We're talking multiple thousands of dollars a month. Not happening.

I think the way to enjoy this movie - and I really did - is to check your brain at the door. One must NOT think too much about it. I left my brain in a plastic pumpkin full of trick or treat candy.

Walking Tall: The Rock Gets Rustic On Their A$$

Hey everyone, sorry for the long hiatus. School started last month and I've been wiped. But I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and checked this little gem out of my local library this weekend. And what viewing pleasure it was - off and on.

As everyone knows Walking Tall is a remake of another Walking Tall movie. Which I thankfully didn't see. Without doing any spoilers here is how the movie goes: You kick my butt, then I kick your butt, then you kick my butt, then I open up a can of whoop-a$$ on you, and the movie is over. I think I got the number of butt-kickin's right.

This is a red neck movie with the oddest twist. Right in the beginning! The lead is The Rock, who is so handsome and charming with his 100-watt smile it's ridiculous. His hometown is up high (seemingly so) in the mountains where, presumably, from the red-necky accents and such, only white people live. Yet how to explain his lovely tan complexion? His mom is white and his dad black. Once we all get over our shock the movie proceeds as expected.

The other stretch of the imagination is that in this town, the mill has closed down. That's not so hard to believe it's just that the people yearn for the mill as part of "the good old days" when hard working, blue collar folks all made an honest living cutting trees down. (I'm not pulling the environmental card, folks, you can't make me do it)! Anyway, now that the mill is closed the town has gone to pot turning the kids into junkies, the women into sluts and the men into emasculated gamblers. A sad state of affairs caused by the casino's owners, the bad guys. Thank goodness we have The Rock. Oh, and Johnny Knoxville as his sidekick.

I keep trying to like Johnny in his movie roles (Men In Black II) and this one too but it's not working. I can't put my finger on it exactly it's just that I liked him best when he was entertaining me on Jackass, with buds Steve-O and Wee Man. Ah well.

I liked the guy who played The Rock's dad, Khleo Thomas, he was pretty righteous. (Cool name, too). I could have used a little more time with his character, however. There were allusions to the fact that he "put his guns down a long time ago" but storyline wasn't further developed. The other mystery was how The Rock returned to town. He hasn't been home in eight years, but is famous to the townspeople (the sheriff in particular). But The Rock doesn't know anything that's been going on and no one knows he's coming home. Why is that? Over Chinese food that night mom apologizes, "if I had known you were coming..." Later on they hinted about a disagreement with dad over his choice of career but after all his undisclosed heroic deeds I would have thought they would have patched things up sooner. After all, he shows up and moves right back into his old bedroom, ousting his nephew. Why can't he get his own place? Is he broke?

Anyway, all these irritants are not the point of the movie. It's the guns, the soft-core porn in the casino, and the fancy pickups with big tires. I really wanted to think this was a cool movie but it just didn't do enough for me. The Rock is pretty to look at, and he's so damn nice. While I never made it through Scorpion King, I hope he keeps trying. I think he just might.

Alexander: The true origin of the mullet

Poor Alexander. Or maybe it's poor Oliver Stone. He wanted to make this movie for SO LONG! And then he finally did and everyone said it sucked. I really tried to watch it objectively and I did see it had some interesting stuff. Like hair! Colin's dyed-blond mullet was just fantastic. Angelina's snaky curls were extra perfect. And Val's King Philip barbarian scruff was scruffy. Some warriors had short hair and some long. Did they have scissors in ancient Macedonia? Or did they just use their swords? Or daggers? Who cut hair? It's a mystery.

Early on in the movie Angelina did something I didn't like. She threatened Alexander (while he was in bed) with the snake she was holding, telling him to be careful, or the snake will strike. Well, that snake was easily identified as a ball python, which is a really nice, non poisonous snake. I used to have one as a pet, and he/she was really sweet. I miss you, Casey. But Olympias was kind of a crazy person, or so it seemed to Alexander. I found the movie fairly misogynistic. I worked hard to find one female character that Alexander wasn't afraid of and couldn't. He was threatened by his mom, dad's new wife, his own wife, you name it. The only woman he didn't seem afraid of was the babylonian princess and that's because she was more afraid of him.

What a pageant! This movie reminded me of the old MGM films I used to watch with my dad on Sunday afternoons. "Cue the elephants!" "You! Dancing slave girls! You're up next!" The screen seemed like it would bust with all the activity. Another thing I found amusing was the first big battle scene in Persia. I could barely keep up with the strategy and I guess no one else could either. So, just when I need it, a title comes up on the screen "Macedonian Center" and then later "Macedonian Left" to let all us non warrior folks understand what the hell was happening. I imagined Oliver viewing the dailies with the cinematographer: "Who are they? they look just like that other bunch of dudes!" "How will anyone figure it out?" (Photographer dude) "We'll just label them on the screen and then they'll understand." "Good, good. I like it." What a dope!

What about all those poked-out eyes? Did you see all of them? King Philip had such a scary facial scar I barely recognized Val Kilmer. O.k., he's a dude who has seen some battle. But then, in perhaps a macabre King Philip Lookalike contest I started seeing them everywhere! I counted at least four faces with similar eye scars. I'm always wondering if folks working on the film play tricks on us, the poor viewers. Were they playing a joke? Or was it just a bad year (or ten) for eye injuries? Huh.

Alexander, Alexander, Alexander. The world just isn't ready for an ambiguously gay world conquerer. Even the Greeks cried "Alexander wasn't gay! Alexander wasn't gay!" Audiences hated the gay scene so much Oliver cut it out just to sell some dvd's. What a cop out. Remember Braveheart? Remember Gladiator? Even Russell Crowe, as annoying as he can be, exuded significant manliness onscreen. And that movie didn't have one sex scene in it. In Braveheart, after the coolest battle scenes, the warriors went back to camp to rib each other and tend to their wounds. In Alexander, warriors went back to camp, washed the blood off and applied eyeliner. Even the characters in the movie were homophobic. Mom didn't seem to care but cautioned him to "get an heir!" and "remember your father!" who I guess was severely homophobic. I actually worried that Alexander was so gay he wouldn't even be able to be with a woman. But with enough slapping Rosario around he managed to make things happen.

Alexander was clunky and confusing to the non-Alexander the Great-historian. I was left guessing during the movie (what's his name?) (who the hell is that again?) as the story plodded along. But! Always a glutton for punishment I will soldier on and watch Troy next.

Training Day: How to ruin your night in 122 minutes

****SPOILER ALERT**** But you'll thank me

I completely hated this movie. Not because of poor acting - Denzel portrays a sociopathic corrupt cop with unerring accuracy. I loathed his character five minutes into the movie. Ethan Hawke does his best to play Jake, a hapless rookie trying to impress his new boss. But the problem is that the new boss is psychotic, and that's where the story loses me.

Perhaps if it had been called "Training Week" or "Training Month" I could have bought it. But what were they thinking? O.k., here's the pitch: (Sidebar - anyone who has seen Tim Robbins in The Player knows how it works) Idea guy has the first appointment of the day with the studio exec. The exec hasn't had his ambien wear off yet, and is pretty groggy at the Beverly Hills restaurant they are breakfasting at. The idea guys says, "here it is. A rookie cop spends the day with his new boss, the leader of an elite narcotics squad. The rookie wants to make good. But the mayhem starts when he quickly finds out this is one dirty cop. But instead of leaving he spends the entire day with him as he spirals deeper and deeper into the abyss of corruption that is LA's police force." The studio exec spots Bruce Willis walking past his table - "Bruce, baby! How ya doin'?" "Great!, great!" The exec turns back to the idea guy, "what were you saying? "Yeah, yeah, dirty cops in L.A. Do people get killed?" "I like it, I'll take a look."

In one early scene, before all the big evil has occurred, Denzel holds his gun to our young cop's head. Now, it's clear to all that this is one crazy ass mofo. But what does Ethan do? Does he run back to the squadroom (I assume it's called that) and say, "Jesus Christ I need a reassignment!" No. He caves in to the pressure. The movie lost me right then and there.

The biggest insult of all was when the credits rolled and I saw the director's name pop up: Directed by....Antoine Fuqua! I jumped off the sofa and clenched my fists. It's official. I refuse to watch anything else directed by that man. After being rooked into watching his EPIC film "King Arthur" I thought I had sworn him off for good. But this one snuck in when I wasn't looking.

Certain folks deserve some kudos. Macy Gray played a convict's wife and her drug deficient shakes chilled me. Snoop played a crack dealer, and while that might not be much of a stretch, he was wheelchair bound and it didn't stop his badass attitude. There was a good line delivered by Denzel as he walked past a plump latina: "Hmmm, mmmm, all that jelly, and no toast."

The Animatrix: The Wachowski Brothers watch "Heavy Metal" and get the munchies

These were really cool. Nine short movies created by the brothers showcasing CGI and Japanese anime. How cool is that? I was really geeked watching this last night. A rather strong warning at the beginning "this is rated R!" alerted me that this was no Matrix-as-cartoon fit for kids event. Whew! Thank God they were all in bed. True to its rating, it was violent.

What I liked about the films was that the animation for each was different. The first one, Final Flight of the Osiris, feels just like a game - except the characters get naked! That's her butt! I shut my eyes. Then we had some Trinity style jumps and an ashphalt-rippling landing that was way cool.

The Second Renaissance I and II gave us a history lesson with pretty obvious political parallels to real life. Machines getting crushed by tanks in Tienanman Square, for example. I felt as if I were watching scenes from Terminator with the rise of the machines stuff. Those two also had some trippy psychedelic scenes with lots of colors, dude. Made me feel like I was either going to have a grand mal seizure or a flashback.

My favorite film was "A Detective Story" which had a film noir feel to it with black and white comic book colors. Seeing '40's style items such as rotary telephones and typewriter mixed in with computer screens was a cool way of mixing the old with the new. In this film a Sam Spade-styled detective is hired to search for Trinity. He finds her, of course, which leads to an unhappy ending. It was perfect!

This DVD is for die hard Matrix fans. I was brought back to my memories of watching "Heavy Metal" on WHT, which for the young was our first foray into cable, Wometco Home Theater. I recently found I can buy a copy of Heavy Metal on tape or DVD. I think that's going to be one for the wishlist.

National Treasure: Aw, c'mon Nick! What gives?

****Spoiler Alert**** But, who cares?

I watched “National Treasure” one night and was sorely disappointed. There is Nicholas Cage, acting his little heart out, for this yucky piece of formulaic Disney fluff. One of the characters even commented at the end, “well, you got the girl” to which Nick replied, “yes, I did” as he kisses the blond. [Gaaaack] I loved the tidbits of American history but the movie plot was so embarrassingly superficial my nose was permanently wrinkled. I hope the actors had fun making the movie and a few bucks on the side. And I’m sure a host of 10-14 year olds enjoyed seeing a grown up movie with Mom and Dad. Ah well.

Whoever executed the dumbing down of National Treasure deserves a spanking. It had the bones of a great “Da Vinci Code” style story and it could have had a tremendous edge. I was attracted to it because of Nicholas Cage and Jon Voight as well as Sean Bean as the villain. The comments section of IMDB reports “PG movies are back with a vengeance!” My sentiments exactly.

And how could I forget? Harvey Keitel! He plays the FBI agent who is chasing Nicholas Cage because he stole the Declaration of Independence. Like I said, for the heavyweights in the movie it was a real shame.