Fake Movie Critic

Apocolypto

2007-11-12T00:05:00.000-05:00

To say this movie caused me heart pounding anxiety and grief is an understatement. I'm not usually down with Mel's movies, (except Braveheart), and I'm certainly not going to watch "The Passion" but Apocolypto offered a history that has always interested me. I like learning about ancient native cultures. On impulse I grabbed it off the shelf at the movie store.

What annoys me is my recent trend of watching movies with a "pregnant woman in danger." I was so upset after watching Children of Men that the review still sits in my draft posts. I couldn't sleep that night. And here I was again looking at the poor woman's face and thinking about the baby in her belly. Whew.

Apocolypto was so grand and brutal I spent most of my time on the edge of my seat, my heart pounding as hard as the ones sacrificed. The movie is extremely fast paced and I didn't notice I was reading subtitles. The actors use so much of their facial expression to convey emotion it makes watching the latest reality TV show even more shallow and ridiculous.

The story begins simply with a small group of mayan hunters nabbing a tapir, and preparing it to bring home to their village. A disturbing incident occurs and oddly enough, only our intrepid hero, Jaguar Paw, takes it to heart. The story unfolds in the abovementioned breakneck fashion with some serious action. It does not disappoint although it may crush you at times.

I was visually amazed at the detail to all the makeup and bodywork. Since folks were mostly naked in the warm climate they had a lot of exposed skin to decorate. And they did. I was interested enough to watch the bonus material which discussed the costumes and makeup and was duly impressed.

It's pretty obvious that I recommend this movie. Try to forget it's a Mel movie and go for the action with a pretty good story. You won't be bogged down with annoying dialog and stupid characters. That's pretty tight here. There is a little surprise at the end that I wasn't sure felt right but I decided I could let it go. Just take some deep breaths during the scary parts. It's what I do.

300: Small name, big movie

2007-03-12T09:06:00.000-05:00

I must admit I was enamored of this movie long before it came out. I enjoy tales of epic battles with brave kings and strong willed queens. The marketing of 300 was genius, becoming my "friend" on myspace and feeding me exclusive trailers and clips in advance of the film. In fact, I was even able to link back to the trailer from my own myspace page, sharing it with everyone who cared to click on it. Such cleverness tickles me to no end. I watched it over an over, until I could speak with Leonidas, "tonight! We dine! in HELL!" That line still gives me goosebumps.

Going to see the movie in the theater gave me a bit of worry. Separating myself from $8.50 on a Sunday evening is a big thing. I thought I might have over-hyped myself like I did with X-Men 3, which left me angry at the end. Many critics hacked on the comic-book feel to the movie, saying it was over-CGI'd (to CGI, verb, to use a computer instead of a camera to make a movie, usually with crappy results). I agree that the sepia-tones used gave 300 an old time feel. At one point I was reminded of the 1963 movie (thank you, imdb) Jason and the Argonauts which had a similar fake feel to it. But 300 did not disappoint.

300 could have become a hopeless B-movie had it used lessor actors. But folks like Gerard Butler (Leonidas), Rodrigo Santoro (Xerxes) and Lena Headey (Gorgo) took their roles seriously enough to act in front of blue screens, imparting the appropriate passion to deliver their lines with conviction. The fighting was cool, too. Oddly enough, my friend remarked that the CGI rendered the blood spatter less graphic than that of Braveheart, for example, making it easier for the delicate lady to handle.

I consider myself to be the perfect demographic for this sort of movie: I like battles, men, guts and glory. I like strong women characters pitted against the evilest of bad guys. I don't know enough about history to be annoyed with imperfect retellings. And a good sword fight, well that floats my boat. If that sounds like you then I would definitely recommend 300. It's sexy. You'll dig it.

The Brothers Grimm: Completely unwatchable

2007-02-28T06:46:00.000-05:00

It would be my guess that out of all the movies ever made about these famous German brothers this most recent one, starring Heath Ledger and Matt Damon, has them doing spins in their respective graves.

I thought the idea was clever: mixing in the lives of the Grimm Brothers with their stories into a quasi-action movie. Heath plays Jacob, the dreamer and fool, who also seems to be a drunk. Matt plays Wilhelm, the smarter brother, whose role it is to keep his brother out of trouble and be the brains of the duo. I think there is a sidekick or two in there but I didn't watch long enough to find out.

I really should have watched the whole thing before writing about it but I just couldn't. After about 20 minutes of enduring the opening scenes I had a conversation with my husband that went something like this:

Me: "Dude. This movie, like, blows."

Husband: "Shut it off."

M: "I can't, I got it from Netflix"

H: "Who cares? Just send it back and get another one."

M: "But I'm supposed to watch the whole thing before I blog it."

H: "Dude..."

M: "O.k."

I stopped suffering soon after that. I know those dudes got paid to make this movie. I just hope they had fun hanging out in Prague while they were doing so.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: Arty. Noir. Sick. Surreal.

2006-09-11T09:19:00.000-05:00

O.k., I gotta stop reading those advertising blurbs they write on netflix and stick with my gut. I like my movies as straight up stories. Kiss Kiss indulged in talking with the viewer and pulling little tricks like rewinding the film and messing around in general. It annoyed me as did the story. We engage in an improbable tale of the seamy side of Hollywood (as if it's anything but) as told in an old fashiondey, pulp fiction kind of way. There's murder, fistfights, booze and broads. It's very tongue-in-cheek and Robert Downey Jr. is convincing in his twitchy, alcohol-gulping way. Val Kilmer plays a gay private investigator but is not convincing in his gayness. He says the words but his eyes don't say he loves men. He could also use some slimming down although his man-shaper helped. Sorry, Val.

There's also a quirky beautiful woman sidekick named Harmony is who is embroiled in the drama. She is annoying. The bad guys aren't afraid to bat a woman around and she takes her lumps. I almost shut the movie off ten times or so but having it sit on my shelf for three weeks guilted me into finishing it.

Kiss Kiss was a movie that was way more clever than I. It's half a send up of old-style noir films and a serious story. The twists were sometimes sick, such as the door-slamming incident, and the love story tinny. Unless you're a serious movie buff who likes to be titillated by clever directors I would skip this one.

Match Point: The Talented Mr. Ripley Redux

2006-07-24T22:52:00.000-05:00

I absolutely loathed this movie. What was I thinking? Woody Allen? I know what I was thinking. I got sucked in by Scarlett Johansson and her big boobs. I thought this was going to be a hot, sexy movie and it was not. I can't believe how boring it was: a story about snooty wealthy British people slumming with commoners about whom they know nothing.

Tennis. Who cares? And all the philosophical garbage about luck vs. faith and love and crap. You know what bugged me about this movie? No one was likeable. Our two main characters, Chris and Nola, are emotionally vacant gold diggers who like each other better than their marks. It was sickening. The two of them are like looking in a mirror. When I thought the movie would keel over and die Woody supplied a plot twist that put my CSI-teeth on edge. And then he made me watch some more! I shocked myself by watching this movie to the end and I can't tell you how pissed I was at the way it turned out.

Should you see this movie? Well for a posh time put it on your netflix queue straightaway! It's absolutely brilliant, darling, and all that.

Whatever. That's the last time I EVER see a Woody Allen movie. Scarlett might get a do-over. Maybe.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith: The Wedding Video

2006-06-20T21:23:00.000-05:00

****SPOILER ALERT****
I admit I watched this movie with absurd fascination. With all the hoopla surrounding the birth of Brad and Angelina's baby I wanted to see how they fell in love. And while I have no hope of scheduling a sit down with the two of them to discuss it I had to opt for second best, and "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" was it.

Was this a good movie? Not really. As a married person I'm interested in stories of marriages in trouble, but as me, there must be some shooting or explosions going on or I will lose interest. "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" is the story of two people who have grown apart in their five years of marriage. Oh, and they are both professional assassins, and have been hiding their profession from their spouse the entire time. This is a fascinating premise and I was extremely interested in the outcome.

They did a silly thing early on in the film. For a few scenes they pretended that the audience did not know what our protagonists did for a living. This led one to suppose Angie was going off somewhere to cheat on Brad (oh no!) instead of meeting him at the Caldwell's for dinner. Knowing what she was really up to, I was annoyed with the deception and I got that pissy frown on my forehead. In the same scene we are also treated to Angie in her best dominatrix-wear which is titillating until she whacks the dude in an effortless and cunning way. (Oops, that's a small spoiler).

This movie walks a very fine line with Brad and Angie's characters. They are both being asked to be meticulously well dressed, excessively attractive and expert assassins. But there is this undercurrent that Angie is better at everything. Brad trips and falls, has a stupid friend in Vince Vaughn, and was fooled by Angie in a very devious way. I wondered why he had to bumble about. They even have him shake a leg as he takes a public piss. It was out of character for him as a nattily dressed person. I thought it was unnecessary to the story to cut him down that way. But I guess it allowed him the opportunity to rise up and allow Angie to see what a real man he was. Blah. Kind of yucky.

I found Vince's sidekick schtick to be extremely annoying. He is so shrill in his assassin paranoia I wanted him to shut up. He dominated every scene with Brad which is understandable given his rapid-fire delivery compared to Brad's mouthful of marbles. You could tell Vince really practiced his lines. No mistakes, ever.

Jane and John's "get back together" scene was accompanied by gun blasts, kicks and punches which did make me wince a bit. Jane is supposed to be one tough broad but, even though she is behind the sofa, I did not relish the sight of him kicking her. He worked too hard at beating the crap out of her. I guess I'm old fashioned.

The movie has a lame plot twist toward the end that leads to the "REALLY LONG GUN BATTLE." (RLGB) That was cool until it was late and got boring. The only thing that piqued my interest was that our protagonists change their clothes and expose Brad for the metrosexual he really is. As Jane and John prepare for the RLGB they get all decked out in their superhero clothes, you know, the kevlar and stuff. Looked wicked snappy. But then they enter a home store and Brad 1.) comments on "what a good store it is" and 2.)changes into a matching gray suit with Jane. It was really unnecessary and a strange thing.

I can't say I would recommend this movie, unless you like spending time with Brad and Angie. Now that their baby has been born and photographed, the public has lost interest. I tried to imagine a sequel for this movie. Maybe they'll have kids and open their own assassin business.

The Fantastic Four - Flame On!, people!

2006-05-14T11:38:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, I'm on a superhero kick. But I'm really having a good time with myself. Many people hated this movie but I kind of liked it. It tells the story of how our superhero friends Sue and Johnny Storm (brother and sister), Ben Grimm and Reed Richards become The Fantastic Four. Oh, and Dr. Doom too. I think my favorite character was Chris Evans as The Human Torch. Although I couldn't believe that he could have been a real astronaut I could believe he rides a motorcycle and looks sexy with his shirt off. And when he finally learned to fly all torched up it was really exciting! His antics teasing Ben Grimm and setting things on fire brought some comic relief to a film dulled by the performances of Jessica Alba and Ioan Gruffud. Those two were really boring.

Ioan played Reed pretty straight - the scientist geek loses the girl as well as his pride and has no qualms about a little boot licking to further his research. I understood he needed to make a journey into his leadership role but even in the end you could tell he was always going to be a pansy. But good old Ioan (IMDB kindly provides a helpful pronunciation guide for his name "YO-an") doesn't seem to have the chops to be a top loser scientist. Too young perhaps? I can't put my finger on it but there is no way this guy went to MIT. I saw Good Will Hunting and I KNOW.

I thought Jessica was a little weak as well. I was completely hooked on her in the series Dark Angel so I'm no stranger to her being a superhero. But someone effed up her makeup and she looked really reddish-beige all over. Her constant hen pecking of Johnny and pining for Reed was a turn off.

Michael Chiklis rocks as The Thing (no pun intended) and even manages to show emotional pain after his transformation. He notes that he's the only one who doesn't get to stay his sexy self, and that's rough. And with a heart of gold all he's trying to do is get our lovebirds, Sue and Reed back together. Awww. At least they give him proper manpris, instead of the blue underpants of the comic.

Know what's been killing me about these two movies? Spider-Man 2 and Fantastic Four? The crowds. Both movies are set in New York and there you have our intrepid New Yorkers enjoying their new superhero citizens. "Spider-Man, take me!" and "There's the Invisible Girl!" Instead of screaming in fear and running for their lives folks are down with old Spidey and The 'Four. X-Men's premise is the division between human and mutant so there's no such hammy friendliness. But I'll hit that in another post.

Although the film is bloodless as anticipated Dr. Doom has no trouble putting large holes in the middle of his enemies' bodies. I thought that was a little edgy - "hey, he didn't just knock that guy down with his electric blast!" That surprised me a little. Julian McMahon brought a level of evil smarminess to the role and I sincerely didn't like him. I guess that's good acting.

See? Fantastic Four was good. The action was good, the CGI was better than Spider-Man 2 - Reed is SUPPOSED to look rubbery, and Johnny Storm was excellent eye candy. Oh, and I'm sure Jessica was too. But I think if you're looking for a movie just to see her you'd do better with Into the Blue.

Spider-man 2: Holy tortured soul, Batman!

2006-05-10T10:22:00.000-05:00

I resisted Spider-man 2 for a long time. I really enjoy superhero movies but I remember distinctly disliking Spider-man 1 enough so that we stopped watching in the middle of it. I can't remember what irked me so - was it Peter Parker's annoying Aunt May, or the saccharine-sweet MJ? I borrowed Spider-man 2 from my library so the price was right. This was the second time I did so because I chickened out the first.

My second problem with Spider-man is that while Tobey Maguire embodies Peter Parker's youthful spirit his appearance is so...youthful. That makes it hard for me to find him "hot" in any sense of the word. I have to look on him as "cute" in a motherly sort of way and that makes me feel old. Maybe that's why I like X-Men so much. I'm salivating over X-Men. It has attractive superheros for all ages.

Spider-man 2 starts out with Peter in crisis. He is living in one of the most expensive cities in the world and he's broke. MJ has ditched him for his unreliable loser ways, he's just lost his job delivering pizza, he's about to fail his class and Aunt May is losing her home because she's broke too. Plus he's late on the rent in his crappy apartment. It really needed a shot of the cockroaches because a hole like that surely has them. I thought we spent a little too much time detailing his loserdom but maybe all the young whippersnappers needed to truly understand where Spidey was at. I could have used more crime fighting during this period.

I really liked Alfred Molina as Doc Ock. He brought a sensual earnestness to the role. He wasn't just a cold hearted scientist he was a lover with a beautiful wife. I liked the creepy way they attached the arms to his body. It made my skin crawl. J.K. Simmons again made a perfect J. Jonah Jameson. He seemed like a cartoon character himself, brash and loud with his mustache and buzz cut hair.

MJ. Mary Jane. I know she's supposed to represent the girl next door, vibrant, sweet and alive. But she just doesn't do it for me. The one thing I will say is that Kirsten is a good match for Tobey. She doesn't look too old and she doesn't have any boobs. Any sexier and it would have given folks that uneasy feeling I was worried about in paragraph two. Casting should be credited for that.

While I liked this movie overall I did have a teeny problem with the CGI. Spidey looked great swinging between the buildings but the fight scenes looked like a cartoon. Spider-man looked too much like a Stretch Armstrong doll as he fought Doctor Octopus. I guess it was to be expected. No stunt people could jump around and stick to buildings the way the computer Spidey can.

The movie proceeds as expected and has a boring ending after the big fight. The filmmakers do leave a nifty option open for a third movie. Will I see it? Only if I can borrow it from my library.

The Chronicles of Narnia

2006-04-24T10:47:00.000-05:00

I really enjoyed the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I'm sure it was a bit nostalgic for me because I escaped into this story during a particularly hateful stint at summer camp when I was eight years old. I was drawn into the story with it's magic and battle between good and evil. I found the movie excellent, aside from a couple of technical faults, and can wholeheartedly recommend it.

Tilda Swinton plays the White Witch and she's excellent with her guile and evilness. I have to hand it to the costume design team which dressed her in the most amazing evil queen raiment. During the battle scene, for example, they gave her a collar made from Aslan's shorn mane which provided a chilling effect. What better way to demoralize your opponent - wearing the fur of their leader? It looked sick.

I was really impressed with the CGI and costumes of all the magical creatures. It really worked in the film and was very believeable. I had a tiny problem with the river scene when the kids got soaked. They were on an ice floe yet didn't seem to suffer too much afterwards. "Peter, may I have my coat?" When it's freezing cold I need folks to act it.

The battle scenes were bloodless based on the PG rating. I could go along with that. In a way I was glad they didn't give it too much edge since blood and gore was never a focus of the story. And although the CGI Aslan couldn't compare with the real life White Witch I would have liked to have spent more time hearing from him. The White Witch's strength and power of her magic gave her the authority to lead all those evil beasts. I could have used more than my memory to flesh out Aslan's character. Still, this one is a keeper.

Serenity: Too TV or not TV?

2006-04-23T13:01:00.000-05:00

Arrrgh! I don't know how I feel about this movie. Arrrgh! That's pirate in case you didn't recognize it. I'm frustrated because Serenity came highly recommended and I don't feel I watched it correctly because I didn't like it.

Serenity is based on the Joss Whedon-created sci fi series Firefly which I've never watched. I heard that it would stand on it's own so didn't worry about that. I'm still trying to figure out if it can or not. The story begins 500 years in the future with the abduction of a teenage girl who is in the process of being horribly tortured in a lab. She gets sprung by her brother and escapes to a spaceship with a swashbuckling captain and corresponding witty, good looking crew. Adventures ensue while a deep cover government agent pursues the team, trying to get the girl back.

While watching this movie I noticed something after a while. The actors all had strange, slightly irish accents and there was no heavy metal music. Lately when Hollywood tries to reach the teen crowd (my mentality) they employ hard hitting pop tunes that remind me of the flick when I listen to my radio. There was none of that here. There was lilting, celtic sounding music that I typically avoid like the plague. (Hey, I used to live in Boston so I'm no stranger to Irish music - RUN!) I'm not saying it was awful, just unexpected.

If you're a super duper sci fi geek then watch this movie. It had some cool ass-kicking scenes. The boo hoo stuff at the end didn't hold enough water for me, however. I didn't buy the captain's change of heart. Perhaps if I'd seen the show in advance I would have had time to fall in love with him and then not care.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

2006-04-20T18:50:00.000-05:00

This movie is a colossal inside joke. If you've never read the book(s) your eyes will enjoy the flashy flashy, and you might get a few yuks but it will be *really* difficult to appreciate the full spectrum of Douglas Adams' wackiness. For example, about a third of the way through my better half announced "I don't get it" and set off to bed. He's not a sci-fi geek and so a sci-fi spoof was a reach for him.

The Guide centers around a sad sack British guy named Arthur Dent who is rescued from certain death by a friend he didn't know was an extraterrestrial named Ford Prefect. Ford does so by hitching a ride on a space freighter just seconds before earth is destroyed. (Since everyone has read the book this is not a spoiler, I hope). Arthur, Ford and shipmates Trillian, Zaphod Beeblebrox and Marvin the Robot begin having adventures in a spaceship named The Heart of Gold.

The Hitchhiker's Guide provides useful tips in the spirit of The Lonely Planet guides - geared towards the worn-heeled traveler using less well-beaten paths. For example, the guide recommends that a towel is an immensely useful item to keep with you while traveling. I admit I had one stuffed in my backpack at all times when I was an exchange student. It makes a nice pillow on a rattling train to Portugal and a nice beach blanket once you get there. But most of the tips are just plain kooky and hysterical.

I knew I would find this movie funny but my laugh out loud moments really surprised me. Mos Def played Ford and he was so straight - just spot on with the humor it killed me. And Sam Rockwell as Zaphod just about put me away. He had the whole Vince Neil rockstar thing going on - bleached blond rock and roll hair, and an "I'm fabulous," groupies welcome, ditzy personality. I cracked up.

Super hardcore Hitchhiker fans were shaking in their boots about this film worried that it would get screwed up. But it did not disappoint and I could see the franchise easily continuing. I hope they keep getting it right.

Murderball: The most badass sport played while seated

2006-04-09T20:16:00.000-05:00

I had heard really good things about Murderball but this documentary exceeded my expectations. I thought there might be some boo-hooing from some of the individuals portrayed in this movie but it turned out to be completely devoid of self pity. Murderball was SO good I just have to tell everyone.

The story centers on a segment of the United States Quadriplegic Rugby Team, the game typically called Quad Rugby. If able bodied rugby is considered a rough sport (no helmets, no pads) then you should check out Quad Rugby. Each player is assigned a number of points based on their physical ability and there can be no more than 8 points total on the court at one time. The game is played on a basketball court with players using Mad Max style reinforced wheelchairs. Those things rock!

We learned how the players came to be disabled and their stories were chilling. But instead of making us feel sorry for them we see how these guys continued to find purpose in their lives. The movie also gives us a close look at a newly disabled person, Keith, who was injured a little less than a year prior to the time of the film. But even Keith was stoic, working hard at rehab and showing interest in his future. For example, he asks his doctor about what he should expect when having sex - how will that work? That leads to a eye-popping informative video (serious stuff) on how a quadriplegic male might engage in sexual relations. I needed to fan myself afterwards.

A great part of the story centered on the rivalry between the United States and Canadian teams, specifically between player Mark Zupan and the Canadian Coach Joe Soares. The backstory is that Joe was a player for the U.S., was cut when past his prime, and then burned his bridges. Exchanges between the two teams is colorful and builds excitement for the 2004 Paralympic Games in Athens. The filmmakers included coverage from the actual Paralympic Games that was so cool looking I plan on catching the games in 2008.

Murderball was so compelling I watched it twice. I even indulged in some of the extras offered on the dvd. One of the deleted scenes "Frogs" showcased Joe's sister's frog collection at her home in Providence, RI. Anyone who has an eccentric relative will find this scene hysterical. For all of it's hard hits I found Murderball's central themes to be strength, teamwork, mental fortitude, love and family. It told a terrific story.

A History of Violence: Wiseguys in the Heartland

2006-03-29T07:09:00.000-05:00

I didn't know whether to grab a picture of a big hunk of Wisconsin cheddar or the Philly cheesesteak to capture my thoughts on this film. I settled on the sandwich because 1) I was hungry and 2) because I thought the mob guys really stood out in this movie.

I remember feeling really jazzed when I saw the trailer for this movie - Viggo Mortensen - yeeha! And the premise seemed so cool: local yokel whacks two cold-blooded killers when they come to rob his diner, delighting the entire town. It turned out that I wasn't disappointed and with the R rating the movie was edgier than if they courted the PG-13 set. I have to hand it to the filmakers on this one - cutting out that whole demographic - because they easily could have filled theaters with 15 year old boys. (Even though it included mom and dad sex - eeeeuuuwww!) Speaking of sex the scenes were fairly eye-popping and included glancing over at my husband like "are you WATCHING this?!" We are so easily shocked. But we managed to get through it.

Ed Harris made for a really creepy, black-suited wiseguy. If they made his suit color gray, and removed the eye injury, he would have looked FBI. But the beefy, not-so-smart henchman made it clear his nature was evil. And their shiny black sedan was so out of place in a town full of pick ups.

I loved the family farmhouse - old yet comfy without being too country. I thought that fit a guy living under the radar. What didn't fit for me was Richie's house in Philly - a monstrous, overblown fortress. The short amount of time we spend with Richie made me wonder why he would have such an enormous house with only his henchmen to fill it. Maybe I should watch Scarface and ask myself again later.

What surprised me the most was the subplot of Tom's son Jack, a high school geek who uses self deprecating humor to defend himself from the jocks. Tom's act of self defense frees Jack to kick a little ass himself, and we cheered for him. I liked Jack.

Maria Bello plays Edie, Tom's wife, and I found her reaction to Tom's deception believable. I'm glad they didn't make her character cutesy. I needed Tom to be married to the antithesis of the ganster moll. And, even though I don't expect a sequel, I was satisfied with the cliffhanger ending. To have Tom and Edie's future spelled out for us would have annoyed hell out of half of the viewers.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

2006-03-20T10:53:00.000-05:00

I noticed there is a woman in the League. Shouldn't the title be "The League of Extraordinary Gentlepersons"? I'll have to check with Miss Manners, one of my personal heroes. But I guess that title didn't pack the same kind of punch. I read that the promotional title for this movie was "LXG" which reminded me of X-men. I get chills thinking about X-3. Anyway, we'll use the shortened title for simplicity.

I remember seeing the trailer for this movie, way back when. It seemed mildly interesting with the different famous literary characters all banded together. The movie is about a group of folks with special powers or abilities brought to fight an archenemy who is trying to start a world war. While watching the movie I polled my inner pre-teen and teen kids and asked them if they knew any of these people. They'd heard of Tom Sawyer, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde but these other dudes? No way. Dorian Gray? I know Dorian Gray because in a fit of needing to know I read the novel. It was creepy and Dorian was vain. But he was no crimefighter. He was a murderer! He didn't get old because the portrait in the attic absorbed all his vanity and evil for him. I certainly didn't see how he'd be selected for the LXG. My inner kids liked the movie because things got blown up (like Venice) and the cool car but they didn't know Captain Nemo or Mina, our vampiress or especially our lead, Sean Connery, as Allan Quartermain. That hurt the story for me because I needed a good point of reference as to why these people were brought together. Allan was an old dude rotting at an imperialistic British club in Africa. Why him? No one else in the United Kingdom was as good a shot?

I did like Stuart Townsend as Dorian Gray. His vain behavior (I spotted him plucking his eyebrows) and fussiness rang true for the character. I also enjoyed Jason Flemyng as Jekyll and Hyde. I was amazed to find out he played both characters. While the prosthetic arms were ridiculously plastic looking his pointy head mask provided a phenomenal change. I didn't recognize him. I found sympathy with Mr. Hyde. I had to laugh a couple of times at our Captain Nemo friend. He was so earnest yet makeup gave him this footlong beard that stuck straight out from his chin, masking almost his entire face. Nemo should have had a good Omar Sharif goatee not this silly square shaped beard.

For kicks I checked out the special features. Watching every deleted scene didn't really add anything. The special effects segment, however, explained quite a lot. For example, I learned they filmed in Prague where they built a large scale model of Venice. While I was glad the good people of Prague were able to earn the $3 million bucks it took to build the city the result was less than authentic looking. And during the movie I thought the destruction of Venice was curious. It seemed gratuitous because the result is that the bad guys get away and nothing is resolved. Our friend Tom Sawyer drives that ridiculous boat of a car to target the building which will end the explosions - boom. So...I breathe a huge sigh of relief because only a dozen buildings (with people inside) were destroyed? That was a little difficult to swallow, aside from the fact that it looked so fake.

A particularly funny moment occurs when Allan Quartermain and Tom Sawyer are recruiting Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. Hyde is leaping around rooftops in Paris and they catch him by causing him to slide off the roof tiles. Tom picks up Hyde's enormous top hat looking at it in amazement. I laughed because his clothes are in tatters (except the pants) from his transformation into the monster yet his hat grew several sizes larger? We never see the big hat again in the film.

If you see your hand reaching out for this dvd, snatch it back.

Groundhog Day - Perfect fare for a bus ride

2006-03-13T05:30:00.000-05:00

I had the pleasure of traveling to New York City a few weekends ago. I elected to travel by bus, seeing that both airline and train fares were outrageously expensive. Plus, I'm a veteran bus rider and thought I'd spend the day reading. Imagine my surprise when I saw the bucket of headphones while boarding my 10:30am Concord Trailways out of Portland. We were actually going to watch a movie! I was delighted.

It turned out to be the 1993 comedy Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell. This was a repeat for me but fun nonetheless. Here's the storyline: Bill Murray plays Phil, an egotistical weather man out of Philadelphia come to cover the annual festivities in Punxsatawney, PA. The bad news is that Phil has to keep reliving February 2nd over and over until he gets it right. We're not sure who, exactly, is in charge of that decision but we can refer to our own personal Jesus for that answer.

Watching the way the scenes replay again and again was so funny. I'd see Phil wake up several days in a row, rapid fire, and his facial expressions just cracked me up. Here I am, on the bus, laughing through my ridiculous headphones. It's great to travel anonymously. But it's not all fun and games for Phil as he plunges into the depths of despair. He attempts to commit suicide dozens of times to no avail. Somehow, and I'm not clever enough to figure this out, the movie makes light of this serious topic without being callous about it.

Phil realizes his goal in life is getting into Andie's pants, and works towards that end. This results in several humorous face slapping scenes. He just doesn't get it! I tried to figure out approximately how long it was taking Phil to make this introspective journey. And it seemed like YEARS! Damn. I would go insane.

Groundhog Day is a perfect Twilight Zone theme made into a really funny movie. Before I knew it the credits were up as we rolled into Boston. It made for a very quick trip!

Flightplan: SeanBeanSeanBeanSeanBean

2006-02-28T08:01:00.000-05:00

What? This is a Jodie Foster movie? Yes, that's right but here is Sean again! Unfortunately, stuck in his supporting actor role, he doesn't get to take center stage in this misguided thriller. Nothing against Jodie, because I love her, but this mother-daughter stuff is just o.k. I kind of liked Panic Room, because of the colorful bad guys, but I'm starting to not be able to buy what's she's selling. I admit I was excited about the movie when I saw the trailer. I liked that she knew the plane and was going to have some fun running around it, chasing bad guys, looking for her kid. I identified with the kid loss aspect because I too have a six year old. If I lost her, I'd fall down dead with grief. But there were certain events that derailed this movie which was just too bad.

I don't want to do any spoilers here today. But I read a news story about Flightplan shortly after the movie came out. It seems a group of employees in the airline industry protested the portrayal of their characters in this film. Quite frankly, they ruined the story. I tried to forget but I couldn't completely fool myself and it did bum me out. Toward the end of the film we find out "why Jodie?" It happens over a couple of scenes and I got that frown on my face, like "did someone just bullshit me?" The explanation didn't work. I found the "you're crazy, lady" storyline annoying after a while. And Sean, as the captain, didn't act as I would expect him to. Since 9/11 (and they reference that in the movie) there are very specific rules for when things go wrong on an international flight - or any flight. For example, overly loud or irrational passengers and physical altercations. So many things go wrong on this plane that any sane captain would have had such heebie jeebies the plane would have been landed asap. But time and time again they just let it go.

There are certain "unbelieveialities" (Ha ha - what a stupid fake word-perfect for this blog!) that I can handle. Like in The Island. That's set in the future where just about anything can happen. But Flightplan is set in this time period and I can't get past so many shortcomings. In a final annoyance I checked IMDB and found out that Erika Christensen played one of the flight attendants. What was so irratating about this was that Erika got so much screen time but never really did anything. I kept waiting for her to unmask herself as SOMETHING - a good guy or a bad guy. I got zip nada from her. I figure she must have been dating the director.

Hellboy: Channel your inner 11 year old

2006-02-27T16:56:00.000-05:00

You know I haven't yet seen Fantastic Four but my question is, how did they pass up Ron Perlman for the role of The Thing? I mean, he would have been perfect! But I'm sure Michael Chiklis did a terrific job and when I see it, I'll let you know.

Hellboy was a great flick. Perfect for muching the popcorn and slurping the soda. Sitting in my basement I did none of those things but I'm sure it would have added to the enjoyment. Speaking of eating and drinking there was an odd thing that happened with product placement in this movie. There were only two products, beer and candy bars. What's odd about this is that in a pre-teen movie, I would expect to see dozens of products from just about everything. But there were the candy bars and the six pack of beer done in an in-your-face kind of way. That's it. The camera zoomed up, showed us the product, and panned away. Off to the next scene. As if they said "check! product placement scene complete." They should have just left them out. I think the product placement sales guy took off in the middle of his shift.

Hellboy (Ron) was dark and broody and missing his girlfriend. He has a soft spot for cats. When we see him for the first time as he's introduced to his new keeper I was startled. I thought he ate the cats! Whew! Glad we cleared that up. He had a couple of cute nicknames, "HB" and "Red". I don't know if they do that in the comic book but it must be awkward shouting, "hey Hellboy, what's shakin'?" Red was good for me. I have yet to see an un-made-up Ron Perlman but he certainly fit the role physically. I liked that cool rock arm they gave him. I guess he was channeling his inner pussycat with that swishy tail. And the cigars! I thought the stubby stogies fit him very well. What does he care about smoking? He's a demon! A zippo is always a cool accessory.

I enjoyed the villain Rasputin, played by Karel Roden, especially when he was conjured up from a pool of blood. That was creepy yet fascinating. What confused me at the end, however, was his frustration with Hellboy who wasn't completing his duties as expected. During other scenes, Rasputin is unflappable. But in the face of Hellboy's little rebellion, he gnashes his teeth and shakes his fist as if they put mustard on his quarter pounder. But I still liked him.

The monster, Sammael, even gets a credit. He (it) was played by a dude named Brian Steele. I think Brian is pretty good at this sort of thing as monsters are his specialty. Sammael, with his snakey dredlocks, reminded me of our excellent Predator friends from those movies of the same name. Very fond memories, there.

I liked Hellboy because it took itself seriously but didn't hesistate to enjoy the work. The characters were earnest without being overly so. And finally, the romance between Hellboy and Selma Blair gave new meaning to the phrase "hot burnin' love."

Curious George The Movie: "That was awesome!"

2006-02-26T17:06:00.000-05:00

...shouted my six year old at the end of this oh-so-cute movie. A few parents around us chuckled and agreed. While I have raved about other animated films in the past I would have to say this is one for the kids. They really enjoyed it but I could have taken a pass.

My four year old mentioned a few times during the movie "we've been watching for hours!" in a sure sign of boredom. I thought they could have picked up the pace a bit too. The boring stuff they plugged in was the trite, embarrassing, uninteresting, and unnecessary relationship between the Man in the Yellow Hat and Maggie, played by one of my least favorite actors, Drew Barrymore, the little slut. As if I have always wondered why The Man in the Yellow Hat doesn't have a girlfriend. When we read these classic stories his marital status is the last thing on my mind. And Drew, drawn with huge anime eyes, takes a superior tone with the bumbling bee-colored explorer, and that annoyed me. Harrumph.

George is very adorable. He is voiced by Frank Welker who coos like a happy baby throughout the film. George is like a non-verbal two year old with the acrobatic ability of The Flying Wallendas. Although he sometimes expresses disappointment, George never gets angry. In a "my dad doesn't love me" storyline, Junior, son of Mr. Bloomsberry, attempts to discredit George. His treachery got caught by my daughter who reported, "he's not nice, Mommy." Not nice indeed.

I've read reviews of this film where folks hacked on the animation, that it wasn't up to par. I thought it was pretty, and brightly colored (lots of yellow!). The kids were engaged. But I would ask that the script writers decide in advance what they want to do with a film. If they are going to make me sit there in the theater for 86 minutes, then the grown up storyline needs to really grab me. If not, then keep the story at the kid level and go straight to dvd. That way I can still do the laundry while they watch it.

2006-02-03T14:07:00.000-05:00

TROY: Sean Bean is Magic and the Slave Girls Are Back

After complaining about Sean's work in National Treasure, now I see him everywhere! In Troy he plays Odysseus, the guy who's supposed to keep Achilles in line, if that were possible. More about him later.

I'd like to share a little tidbit. I'm of Greek descent. My Dad used to tell me about the Greek gods and we even had a copy of Bullfinch's Mythology on the shelf. So I had some rudimentary knowledge of the story of the battle of Troy. When the movie started I tried to remember the players: Achilles, Paris, Helen. That's as far as I got. It started to come back thinking, "yeah, Agamemnon, that nutjob." But I was surprised during that first scene with Paris - who was that other guy? Hector? Who is he? What I found out is that Hector was the true hero of the story. Achilles, on the other hand, is a pig. I had to laugh (inappropriately) when we first meet him: a boy has been sent to find him to fight as Agamemnon's champion. So where is he? Piled on his sleeping furs with not one but TWO beautiful women. It's as if someone checked out the script for "Alexander" and said, "Achilles will NOT be gay!, Not gay!" They weren't going to screw that up. But the bottom line is that Achilles is not a nice guy, one could say barely honorable. Which was very big in those days. A helpful voiceover in the beginning of the movie sets the tone for the relationship between Agamemnon and Achilles so we know those two are going to be trouble.

One of the biggest surprises for me was the portrayal of Paris, played by the plucky Orlando Bloom. I find out that he's really just a boy. He has no battle experience and is basically a pampered prince coddled by his older brother Hector and his father. He's been shagging Helen, wife of Menelaus, right in the middle of peace talks and then he steals her away! For love. What a dope! Hector thinks so too but it's an awful dilemma: return Helen and be killed or continue to Troy and start a war.

I need to talk a little bit about Brad and technical details. I realize why Brad Pitt was chosen for the role: he's a popular actor, hunky, and a draw for male and female movie viewers. But I don't feel he was right for the role of Achilles. The way he spoke his lines didn't ring true for me. I tend to imagine that actors in these epic films have spent time on the stage, honing their skills with Shakespeare. But not Brad. His sentences were clunky as he worked with the formal speech, like he couldn't wrap his mouth around the words. Sure he has a nice body (I mean, really sure) but it didn't seem fabulously warrior special. Achilles is supposed to be nigh invulnerable. Mom dipped him in the river Styx, effectively giving him skin of steel. I really expected him to take an arrow to the chest, and have it bounce off. But the filmmakers never did that. I wonder if they thought it would be too cartoonish. He ran around a lot, and fought, but again, I didn't see any particular skills that were so special. His dyed blond hair was brassy and unattractive, even showing roots in some scenes. They should have kept it natural. There's nothing that says that Achilles must be blond. It was ugly hair.

I'm back again to discussing people's teeth. Specifically, actors with veneers. You can see them! And while I hate to be a stickler for details there were no veneers in ancient Greece! The extent of dental work was pulling out rotten teeth, not covering them up and making them beautiful and white. Agamemnon, played by Brian Cox, has a nice set of choppers. But they were not authentic.

"Cue the dancing slave girls!" Here we go again. Troy had that same MGM old time epic film feel. It was a big undertaking but it missed the mark. The Trojan War was a complicated story and I give them credit for maintaining the threads throughout. But I tried to find a sympathetic character and the only ones I could really like were Hector, played by Eric Bana, and Odysseus, played by my man Sean. It didn't make me laugh, or cry or feel much of anything. The fighting was never really clever, even with the horse. The city of Troy had a soundstage feel to it so I didn't mind when they burned it down. It was just a bad movie. Skip this one.

2006-02-01T15:36:00.000-05:00

Layer Cake: Dude's the New Bond?

Huh. I don't know if I'm going to do spoilers or not. If one pops in I'll be sure to put in the warning. I don't like to ruin anyone's fun! I liked this movie. I enjoy gangster films with dangerous situations, clever and not-so-clever criminals, and head-busting scenes. The accents make it fun to listen to if you don't mind thinking over and over: "What? What the heck did he just say?" British films are good for that. Does anyone remember Snatch? I don't and I saw it. I can't remember what anyone said because I couldn't understand it the first time around. And I was a language major!

But anyway. Onto Daniel Craig. We learn about our main character's flaw right up front. He wants to retire from his lucrative drug business and thinks he's clever enough to do so. Oddly enough, he doesn't like violence and doesn't carry a gun. "I hate guns!" he exclaims. He's sort of prissy about the whole thing as if his work was a high paying 9-5 job like anyone else. But bad guys step in and mayhem ensues for poor Daniel. With lots of funny twists!

I really checked out this guy's apartment. I don't know London, but one of the characters makes mention of Daniel's tony neighborhood. One of the things I like to do sometimes is look closely at the sets. This one was austere, almost as if he were an allergy sufferer or cleaned compulsively. The walls and furniture were dark, gray and concrete looking. It was a man's man kind of bachelor pad with minimal but strong furnishings. Remember that commercial where the guy in the scarf is listening to music so loud it starts to blow his champagne glass over? "Is it real, or is it Memorex?" It was like that. Supercool. He had a nice bed, with luxurious looking sheets.

Daniel himself was dressed pretty nattily all the time. He was a little on the metrosexual side, kind of fussy but good looking nonetheless. I worried that he was so lean, though, that folks wouldn't think he was nourished enough to be the next Bond. They might want to fill out those hollow cheeks a bit prior to filming.

I tried not to like Sienna, because she is so beautiful. But they kept her part small enough that it was never annoying. When he asked "what are you doing?" and she said "nuffing" I was amazed at how cute British women can be. I reflected on how I loathed Renee Zellweger in the last "Bridget" movie but then again, she was only faking being British, fat, and annoying.

Colm Meany (what a cool name) deserves a shout out for his portrayal of Gene, a right hand man. He brings a real grittiness to the role and I'm so glad he's moved on from Star Trek. Morty, played by George Harris, was deceptively violent. I didn't think he had it in him, at first. I enjoyed Morty.

See? No spoilers today. Stick Layer Cake on your Netflix queue, or get it from your local library, like I did. It was a fun violent movie that had me exclaiming "NO!" and laughing several times.

Rumor Has It: Time for Kevin Costner to go away.

2006-01-25T16:57:00.000-05:00

*****SPOILER ALERT*****

If you like all the folks who star in this movie you might want to close your browser right now. I have to explain my motivation in seeing this movie. Observant readers might recognize that chick flicks are not my favorite genre. But I went to see it at as a birthday event for a friend of mine, and Memoirs of a Geisha wasn't playing. We have the coolest movie theater around here. It's called Smitty's Cinema Pub and you can order drinks and dinner while watching a film. The good food and company couldn't erase what was going on before my eyes although I wish I could erase it from my memory.

Rumor Has It is a fictional real-life take on The Graduate, as if it were based on the true lives of the characters in this movie. Jennifer Aniston plays the grandaughter of "Mrs. Robinson", artfully played by Shirley MacLaine. Jennifer is a woman in crisis - she's heading home for her little sister's wedding, she doesn't know if she's in love with her fiancee, she's in a dead-end job writing obituaries for a NYC newspaper and she doesn't feel a true member of her family. This is a hard place for a 39 year old woman to be in, and I almost wept for her.

Kevin plays the graduate, but all grown up and incredibly wealthy. Jennifer wants to meet him because she's got this crazy idea that he's her real father. She thinks her mom somehow picked up Grandma's sloppy seconds the week before her wedding. Using her reporters credentials she sneaks in to a conference where he's giving a speech. I swear, I was sitting there in the theater trying to understand the kind of BS he was spouting about Internet search engines. Jennifer is dazzled, of course, and it made me want to puke.

The true insult occurs in how the two get together. In an anticlimatic scene Jennifer learns he's not her father, that it's not possible. O.k., so now she's depressed and he takes her out to get drunk. In a sick and incestuous twist, she's turned on by him and they end up fooling around.

Compared to Shirley MacLaine Kevin was a big dud. O.k., he's a big dud all on his own. Maybe it's his softspoken manner or that he never seems to get mad. But I simply could not buy the relationship between Kevin and Jennifer. I found myself growing more and more annoyed every minute I watched this movie. Definitely not my happy place.

2006-01-12T15:19:00.000-05:00

The 40 Year Old Virgin: The chick flick for guys

I think I've discovered a new genre for movies. It's the reverse chick flick. According to Hollywood guys want to go to the movies to see hot chicks, and watch things get blown up. Chicks want to watch love stories with hot guys where everyone hooks up at the end. "Cue the wedding montage!" So how do you have a chick flick for guys? Enter Steve Carrell as the 40 Year Old Virgin. Storyline: Nice guy practices extreme clean living, acts a bit eccentric and has no woman. Well meaning coworkers want to help him break out of his colossal rut and have sex with a woman. Nice guy resists transformation but is ultimately convinced - "Yes! It could be me!"

This movie is hysterical. I watched the unrated version which is extremely dirty, rude, improbable, and, at times, bizarre. Andy, our protagonist, is a seriously introverted geek who manages the storeroom at an electronics store. His apartment is stuffed with unopened (collectible) toys and one is sure that he is/was a Dungeon and Dragons master. He spends his evenings doing various hobbies or watching tv with the old couple upstairs. He seems to have forgotten his sexual self, evidenced by completely ignoring his morning wood early on in the film. One quickly learns that this movie will cut no corners.

Andy's friends vow to help him out and provide all sorts of misguided advice. It's really cute though, how their friendship is genuine. They're not just trying to make him the butt of a joke. In an early scene they ask if Andy is gay. During his protests Cal, played by Seth Rogan, delivers the line that cracked me up, "I once touched a guy's balls in Hebrew school." This revelation gets no response from the others during their rapid exchange.

I want to warn folks that the unrated version is LONG. With all those filthy dirty deleted scenes stuck back in the film seems to go on forever. But its all pretty funny and proceeds to surprising end. I mean, we all know how its going to end but it's cute nonetheless.

If you're not in the mood to watch stuff blow up but do want to watch a "guy" movie then I recommend The 40 Year Old Virgin. It's got some knee slappers that are worth watching.

2005-12-29T21:17:00.000-05:00

The Island: NOW we're talking!

I cannot say enough good things about this movie. I remember when it came out and did terrible in the theaters. I read article after article about how awful box office receipts have been with the theater owners bitching at Hollywood for putting out crappy movies, etc. How folks missed the boat on this one is WAY beyond me.

I loved this movie so much I won't even do any spoilers. But here's the basic plot. It's far in the future where rich folks have learned how to cheat death by buying "insurance policies" with clones of themselves. So when that new heart or liver is required they have full sized replicas of themselves, ready to go. Sounds great. Our docile clone friends are kept in a secret facility where they hang out with one another, staying healthy and working their menial jobs. Whenever one of them is needed for the client, they are winners of a lottery whereby they are sent to a mysterious island to live out their days in nirvana. But here's pesky Ewan McGregor as Lincoln 6 Echo who has a few questions. This is not good and sets up this action-packed thriller nicely.

It doesn't hurt at all to watch Scarlett Johannsen in the role of Jordan. She's curvy and beautiful, Lincoln's special friend (they're not allowed to be boyfriend and girlfriend), is really a nice person and can kick ass too. I really liked the two of them together as they discover the outside world.

The scene stealer is Steve Buscemi as the crusty janitor/custodian character who befriends Lincoln. He tries to teach him the ways of the world but not too much - he wants to keep his job. The series of scenes where he helps the pair escape are hysterical. He gets all the best lines and delivers them snappily.

This flick contains many "movie miracles" where, during The Matrix-styled action sequences, our protagonists don't break any bones or lose any limbs or anything. That was to be expected so it didn't bother me too much.

Sean Bean stars as the clone company's director and I mention him because I like the way he plays the role and best of all, I liked the desk in his office. It's this futuristic light-box surface that uses a crystal pyramid as it's mouse. He instructs Lincoln to draw him a picture and "pushes" a pad of paper graphic across the desk while handing him a stylus. Lincoln scribbles away and then slides it back over to the doc to check it out. Very neat techie stuff.

This movie is a MUST RENT dvd. It's exciting, sensual, and cool. Watch it and tell me how stupid it is.

2005-12-27T14:59:00.000-05:00

Metallica: Some Kind of Monster: Or, how to hate Lars Ulrich ten times more than you already do.

I don't think I need to mention there are spoilers because the movie is a documentary. Also folks, if anyone reading this is *not* a Metallica fan you can stop reading right now. Please, click on one of my Amazon links or search something in Google. But non-fans need not be bothered by this post.

I would say I'm pretty late to the Metallica-fan game. I only started really liking and listening to them in the early 90's. I think I'm about done, however, being that the last time I saw them I paid upwards of $70 per ticket and felt kind of "eh" after the show. But my husband and I wanted to check it out nonetheless.

The premise of the movie, um, excuse me, documentary, is to record the making of Metallica's St. Anger album. At first, it's an intriguing view into the music production business. Is that how they write music? Is that how they come up with the lyrics? It seems so stupid: A bunch of really rich rockers sitting around together writing on little scraps of paper. But then their personalities get in the way and it gets interesting.

The most amazing thing happens in this movie. The members of the group work with a therapist to deal with their bassist Jason leaving the band (loss) and learn how to segue into another era of music making millions after twenty plus years of togetherness. At first I was like "are you guys for real?" but then I began to believe it. During their therapy sessions I was first reminded of typical reality TV shows where folks vomit up their innermost feelings with a gleam in their eye. That was what watching Lars was like. Then I saw James, our intrepid lead singer, who was so obviously uncomfortable you could see it onscreen. And Kirk, the peaceable one, squirming on the sofa while nervously glancing at the other two. "Are they going to argue? Yes, oh crap, they are."

And then James goes to rehab and is gone for a year! Right in the middle of shooting! We have scenes of Lars and Kirk sitting around wondering "is he coming back? I don't know if he's coming back." I don't know if it's the music or the money that brings him back but of course he does. So now we have the newly sober James with a restricted work schedule being bitchy at the others. I had to agree with Lars: "what do you mean I can't listen to the music at 4:01pm? [after James has left for the day] " He points out that part of being a rock and roller is flaunting the rules, being a rebel and all. Even though Lars is a despicable little bastard he was right about that.

I really enjoyed watching them turn on their therapist. That hapless dude never saw it coming. Here he is, slaving for months with these self absorbed millionaires, only to be kicked to the curb like some slutty little groupie. The movie makers don't really show HOW he has helped bring the band back together. He makes a few canned therapist comments like "how does it feel to say these things about your father, Lars?" It comes across as embarrassing and stupid.

Somehow, thanks to Bob Rock as always, the band finishes the album. A very telling scene occurred at the prison where they shot the video for St. Anger. As an aside I saw the premier of the video back when it came out and it was kind of raw. This did not cover the fact that the song sucks. But anyway there is James and he's standing on stage addressing a group of very scary looking convicts and he's shaking! I mean really crapping in his pants kind of scared! I even exclaimed as much to my husband who was not impressed. But I found that his blatant fear made him seem so human to me. That he could be so rich and famous but be reduced at the same time.

There was a funny scene of Lars having a session with Dave Mustaine who CLEARLY has issues with the way he was booted from the band early on. I really think poor Dave really needs to get over it and move on. But I cracked up when he revealed that people see him on the street and yell "Metallica!" taunting him openly. That's the best.

I'm so glad that we Metallica fans can breathe a huge sigh of relief that the band will go on. Lars can continue being smarmy, James badass, Kirk peaceful and their new bassist, whatshisname Trujillo, pysched to be alive and working in the band. Speaking of Trujillo you can see their effort to avoid what they did to Jason, which was to treat him like the red-headed stepchild for 14 years. That was really rude. But, now that I've seen this movie, I know it's because of James' commitment issues and Lars' I-don't-feel-close-enough-to-James issues. I'm not a big fan of Trujillo. I can see he's really talented but I don't dig his braids or the way he jumps around onstage. It's just me.

2005-12-27T13:47:00.000-05:00

Cold Mountain: How to spend several hours being sad

****SPOILER ALERT****

Why do I do this to myself? This movie was an impulse borrow from my local library. Thank goodness I didn't pay for it. I broke several personal movie-watching rules by choosing this movie:

1. It's a chick flick (love story)
2. It's a war movie
3. It's a historical movie with horses in it
4. It's got an advertised unhappy ending
5. It's a serious movie with high quality actors

I already can't remember anyone's name in the movie so I'll use the actors first names for simplicity. You have Nicole Kidman playing the dutiful preacher's daughter in this hick southern town of Cold Mountain. I thought she was a little old for the role. At her age she would have been an entrenched spinster or Old Maid. But she's so pretty I got over it. Then there's Jude, the hunky carpenter, who also would not have escaped husband-hood in those days but we move on as well. As expected, the pair are quickly falling in awkward love but the pesky Civil War breaks out and he has to go fight. Their good bye kiss is really hot, however, and I got a little stomach leap when it happened.

Then we have the parade of war horrors on the battlefield and at home. We see, in gory detail, battle scenes of soldiers being brave and getting blown up. I wondered how I could find Braveheart so cool and this so not. On the homefront we see our little lady, unable to care for herself, frightened of a rooster while cowering under the porch. Hard times come to the mountain and there's a serious lack of food. There is also an unfriendly bunch of gangsters who impose their own version of military law over the town. All the news is grim and it takes a LONG time to go through it.

But wait! Jude, after being injured, decides to get the heck out of there and make his way home to Nicole. Renee Zellweger comes to the farm and gets Nicole to pull herself up by the bootstraps. Things are looking up for the ladies but Jude is having a really rough time of it on his journey. There's danger everywhere. He fights starvation by eating tiny live crabs in the swamp. He hides from soldiers hunting for deserters. He faces Yankee soldiers attempting to rape and kill an innocent woman. This is another LONG part of the movie and I kept thinking "when is it going to end?"

Finally our protagonists are together. Really hooked up and having a hot sex scene. Excellent, roll the credits. But no! Our gangsters show up to ruin the day. My jaw dropped and I thought to myself, "NO! Not after all he went through!" But there it was: Jude dies in his lover's arms in a beautifully shot scene on the snowy mountain. I was depressed for a day.

I have to do some shout out's for some folks: Charlie Hunnam played Bosie, a sadistic, albino looking gangster. I've never heard of him, but he was very convincing in his meanness. Natalie Portman played the widow living alone in a cabin with a sick baby. Her loneliness cut me to the core. Jack White played a musician-surprise! I was positively creeped out watching Giovanni Ribisi tangle with the bloated carcass of a cow. Ugh.

On a more positive note my husband rented "The Island" with Ewan and Scarlett. That's more my speed. I'll let you know.

2005-11-30T12:47:00.000-05:00

Kingdom of Heaven: A rags to riches to rags story

****SPOILER ALERT****

This movie had a heck of a beginning. The royal dad comes back from the crusade to pick up his really healthy looking blacksmith bastard son, Orlando. (He has some French name but I'll skip that). Orlando takes a pass, then changes his mind (I won't give away why, but it's chilling) and rides off to catch up with dad. Once he does, they reconcile and decide they're going to head back to the land of the crusades, Jerusalem. But here's the cool part: Dad is hooked up with this really cool band of knights, one of whom is this amazingly strapping looking German with braids in his blond hair. During a skirmish with another band of knights, he takes an arrow in the neck and continues to fight - an axe in one hand and a sword in the other. It was totally badass! Unfortunately he expires and is gone from the movie. I was sad to see him go. The remains of the crew head off to Messina. Before they can leave for Jerusalem, however, dad succumbs to his wounds and, in a bizarre ritual, makes Orlando a knight.

Here's where things get hinky. Orlando was presumably raised by his mom and somehow learns this blacksmith trade. That allows him to have these seriously beefy arms. (Nice) But his transformation to a knight somehow gives him the clarity of thought and education that a nobleman would (might) have had. There wasn't enough time to do a "becoming a nobleman" montage before dad kicked it. So where did he get so smart? Let's review the life of a serf in France in 1184: Live in a hovel, wear rags, toil from sunup to sundown, eat poor quality food (especially in winter), pay exorbitant taxes to the lord, repeat. Reading, writing and arithmetic weren't part of the package. Yet, once Orlando assumes his role as lord of his sandcastle, he is seen in his "home office" reviewing the accounts and WRITING things! Oh, and in his spare time, he woos the married princess and becomes an expert battle tactician. I find it hard to believe he would have the class for even being able to touch the bottom of her sandal. But hey, that's Hollywood.

The English dudes in this movie do a much better job at looking haggard and dirty. Even Liam Neeson was much more roadworn than Orlando as the blacksmith. I will NOT talk about Orlando's teeth, even though I really want to say how inappropriately white they were. No toothbrushes for serfs! No Crest! No dentists! I have an obsession with teeth.

You know who I liked in this movie? Jeremy Irons. He played Tiberius, the king's man-at-arms I think. He has this cool eye scar (not like in Alexander) that made him look fierce and authentic. I thought his name was odd, however. Tiberius is a good Roman name. I would have thought something Christian would be typical.

The best line in this movie was delivered by Liam. He says to his son: "I once fought for three days with an arrow through my testicle." That's good stuff. We chuckled.

This movie had a good start but petered off into a ho-hum boring, trite storyline of the boy who makes good. I couldn't buy his motivation or those of all who found him to be so compelling. Ridley, where's my Bladerunner?!

2005-11-21T21:50:00.000-05:00

The Longest Yard: Adam gets his kicks in the can

I can't believe I picked this movie to watch by myself. I needed "Cheers" style friends (those who know my name), beers and nachos. That's the kind of atmosphere that really makes this movie pop. But whatever, I watched it anyway.

I usually skip Adam Sandler movies. I can't stand it when he uses that simpering lisp for his characters in roles such as "The Waterboy." But this was different. When it came out I read a couple of reviews that said, hey, this one's alright. And it was! I was amazed. Adam's character is subdued and sticks to dry humor. This allows the other characters, such as Chris Rock, to take center stage. Adam stood still in the middle of this motley crew and let them do their stuff. That was odd, but sometimes funny.

I found the casting also strange until I saw he was one of the producers. Then it made sense. I have a 411 for folks: Adam Sandler is not incredibly good looking, nor is he tall or especially buff. Did I believe he was a former star quaterback, now fallen from grace? No. I also couldn't believe that Courtney Cox would ever date him, but she was gone shortly into the film so it didn't really matter.

You know who I really liked in this film? Nelly. I had to go to imdb to find out his character's name: Megget. I couldn't remember because I never heard it correctly. What the hell kind of name is Megget? Why can't it be Bob or something easy? Anyway, Nelly was clever and engaging and had seriously ugly teeth, which as a prisoner, was believable to me. Go Nelly.

This is the way to watch a football game. I like football. It's fun and cool. But it's better when it's set to rockin' tunes and the whole game lasts about 20 minutes. Plus, you know which team will win. Your team! No annoying time outs, or commercials, just foot tappin' action.

****SPOILER ALERT****

During the movie we waited patiently to learn about Adam's point-shaving past. "That was never proven!" he exclaims. But his fellow inmates are skeptical. And then, in crunchtime, it finally comes out - he did it! That simple scene made it real for me. He was a true criminal, disgraced in his career, and he deserved to pay for his crime.

2005-11-21T21:32:00.000-05:00

Sahara: A series of improbable events

****SPOILER ALERT****

Wow. Does Clive Cussler know how to spin a story or what? The plotlines in this movie were wound tighter than the Gordian Knot. There was not a loose thread anywhere. I liked that. Although I had a groin pull by the end with all my leaps of faith. I was worn out by trying to maintain a shred of believeability. But hell, that's what the movies are for, right?

Let's talk about teeth. Specifically, Matt's and Penelope's. It's no wonder they found each other attractive. They both bring new meaning to the phrase "megawatt smile." I'm not exactly sure how they do it, but I have never seen teeth bigger or brighter than on those two folks. Their dentists should get a bonus for that one.

Did I enjoy this movie? Yeah, I guess. It was really fun to watch on my new big screen tv (I'm in dvd-watching nirvana). Did I really like it? No. Not really. Maybe I could pretend that rebels in foreign countries could be sympathetic to Americans if it were a historical piece. But Sahara is a modern film and most likely our protagonists would all have had a bullet in the back of the head for their trouble, relatively soon into the film. But that would have made for a very unsatisfying 30 minutes or so.

2005-11-07T09:33:00.000-05:00

Fair Game: A stinker of immense proportions.

*****SPOILER ALERT*****but no one will care.

I'll come right out and say it. Cindy Crawford's breasts are shown in this movie. Or a body double's. It doesn't matter. This is noteworthy because if this 1995 movie were made today, with the same actors (unlikely), there would have been only sexual tension in their banter in order to recieve the coveted PG-13 rating. This movie had enough of a stupid plot, dialog, and explosions to court the pre-teen market. But the boobs and the Baldwin-butt sex scene knocked the kids out of the running.

This was a really bad movie. And I typically enjoy them. I tried very hard to give Cindy the benefit of the doubt and I even gave her a small thumbs up as she told a bad joke with a goofy smile. What I'm ashamed of is Salma Hayek, cast as the fiery hispanic ex-girlfriend. She was shrilly overacting her part as she inexplicably worked to get Max' crap out of her apartment. I needed to know why she hated him so much. It was important to me. He seemed like a nice guy who was trying to get a new place. O.k., so they broke up. Why was she so angry? It didn't work.

There was the typical parade of villians with bad accents (Russian and Cuban) this time. They were really boring and predictable. I found the basis of the plot amusing - they were hacking into the PHONE LINES! Wow! That's catchy technology. They used MODEMS. This led to the annoying mistake. I could accept that they were tracking Cindy's location (through inexplicable mobile technology - a satellite on top of their black SUV?) when the cop uses her account to buy a pizza. Sure, the restaurant has it on file. She's a regular. But then, during their high paced race to safety, Cindy and Billy keep checking into hotels with her credit card. "Do you have any cash?" asks Max. Jesus, the woman was blown from her balcony by a bomb in her TV! "I have a credit card," responds Kate blithely. I saw her. She was wearing her blouse, (very short) skirt, and heels. I'll give them that she didn't lose her shoes in the lagoon but give me a break. She wasn't carrying her purse.

Yawn. I'll try to do better next time. I promise.

2005-11-01T14:27:00.000-05:00

Hitch: A chick flick that gets some laughs

I swear, I must have been in the best mood last night. Maybe it was the holiday and all, taking the kids trick or treating, cracking a beer, whatever. But the man and I bought a movie-on-demand and there it was. As a quick aside, whatever happened to Pay-per-view? I thought that worked perfectly well and then they went and changed it. But onto Hitch.

Why did I like this movie? I have no idea. It was formulaic and adhered to it's script with gorilla glue: Hero Will Smith is on top but has no love. Hero meets girl, falls in love. Makes strides with her. She does a bad thing, relationship falls apart. Hero is down. Intrepid sidekick (Kevin James) points out the error of his ways. "Fight for her, you coward!" Hero pulls himself up by his bootstraps, chases the woman of his dreams. They get together. Cue wedding montage. That's boring stuff.

I probably liked it because of Will Smith and Kevin James. They were good together. Will plays the smooth, charming guy that gets the chicks. (Anyone remember his work with Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys?) Kevin played the awkward, anxiety ridden chubby guy with skill. They are both really funny! Their antics made me laugh.

Unfortunately, the women weren't funny. Eva Mendes was brittle, and I didn't buy her warming up to Will. The heiress, Allegra, was a cardboard cutout. They just carried her from place to place, propped her up, and had Kevin talk to her. Eva's sidekick was a weak little mouse with no brain. And maybe it was my TV, but none of them seemed particularly gorgeous or interesting. I had a hard time understanding why the men were falling for them so hard.

Odd script note: Both Will and Eva used the term of endearment "Pumpkin" in the movie. Will when speaking to that dastardly villian Vance, and Eva with her sidekick. But they never got close enough to use it with each other.

You know what? New York City gets a bad rap because of these movies. Folks who have never even been to Manhattan see these movies and think everyone lives in a penthouse, or in a loft in Soho. Did you check out Eva's apartment? We're talking millions of dollars. There is NO WAY a gossip columnist at the local rag (NY Post equivalent) would be making enough scratch to afford a place like that. We're talking multiple thousands of dollars a month. Not happening.

I think the way to enjoy this movie - and I really did - is to check your brain at the door. One must NOT think too much about it. I left my brain in a plastic pumpkin full of trick or treat candy.

2005-10-03T08:02:00.000-05:00

Walking Tall: The Rock Gets Rustic On Their A$$

Hey everyone, sorry for the long hiatus. School started last month and I've been wiped. But I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and checked this little gem out of my local library this weekend. And what viewing pleasure it was - off and on.

As everyone knows Walking Tall is a remake of another Walking Tall movie. Which I thankfully didn't see. Without doing any spoilers here is how the movie goes: You kick my butt, then I kick your butt, then you kick my butt, then I open up a can of whoop-a$$ on you, and the movie is over. I think I got the number of butt-kickin's right.

This is a red neck movie with the oddest twist. Right in the beginning! The lead is The Rock, who is so handsome and charming with his 100-watt smile it's ridiculous. His hometown is up high (seemingly so) in the mountains where, presumably, from the red-necky accents and such, only white people live. Yet how to explain his lovely tan complexion? His mom is white and his dad black. Once we all get over our shock the movie proceeds as expected.

The other stretch of the imagination is that in this town, the mill has closed down. That's not so hard to believe it's just that the people yearn for the mill as part of "the good old days" when hard working, blue collar folks all made an honest living cutting trees down. (I'm not pulling the environmental card, folks, you can't make me do it)! Anyway, now that the mill is closed the town has gone to pot turning the kids into junkies, the women into sluts and the men into emasculated gamblers. A sad state of affairs caused by the casino's owners, the bad guys. Thank goodness we have The Rock. Oh, and Johnny Knoxville as his sidekick.

I keep trying to like Johnny in his movie roles (Men In Black II) and this one too but it's not working. I can't put my finger on it exactly it's just that I liked him best when he was entertaining me on Jackass, with buds Steve-O and Wee Man. Ah well.

I liked the guy who played The Rock's dad, Khleo Thomas, he was pretty righteous. (Cool name, too). I could have used a little more time with his character, however. There were allusions to the fact that he "put his guns down a long time ago" but storyline wasn't further developed. The other mystery was how The Rock returned to town. He hasn't been home in eight years, but is famous to the townspeople (the sheriff in particular). But The Rock doesn't know anything that's been going on and no one knows he's coming home. Why is that? Over Chinese food that night mom apologizes, "if I had known you were coming..." Later on they hinted about a disagreement with dad over his choice of career but after all his undisclosed heroic deeds I would have thought they would have patched things up sooner. After all, he shows up and moves right back into his old bedroom, ousting his nephew. Why can't he get his own place? Is he broke?

Anyway, all these irritants are not the point of the movie. It's the guns, the soft-core porn in the casino, and the fancy pickups with big tires. I really wanted to think this was a cool movie but it just didn't do enough for me. The Rock is pretty to look at, and he's so damn nice. While I never made it through Scorpion King, I hope he keeps trying. I think he just might.

2005-08-22T15:11:00.000-05:00

Alexander: The true origin of the mullet

Poor Alexander. Or maybe it's poor Oliver Stone. He wanted to make this movie for SO LONG! And then he finally did and everyone said it sucked. I really tried to watch it objectively and I did see it had some interesting stuff. Like hair! Colin's dyed-blond mullet was just fantastic. Angelina's snaky curls were extra perfect. And Val's King Philip barbarian scruff was scruffy. Some warriors had short hair and some long. Did they have scissors in ancient Macedonia? Or did they just use their swords? Or daggers? Who cut hair? It's a mystery.

Early on in the movie Angelina did something I didn't like. She threatened Alexander (while he was in bed) with the snake she was holding, telling him to be careful, or the snake will strike. Well, that snake was easily identified as a ball python, which is a really nice, non poisonous snake. I used to have one as a pet, and he/she was really sweet. I miss you, Casey. But Olympias was kind of a crazy person, or so it seemed to Alexander. I found the movie fairly misogynistic. I worked hard to find one female character that Alexander wasn't afraid of and couldn't. He was threatened by his mom, dad's new wife, his own wife, you name it. The only woman he didn't seem afraid of was the babylonian princess and that's because she was more afraid of him.

What a pageant! This movie reminded me of the old MGM films I used to watch with my dad on Sunday afternoons. "Cue the elephants!" "You! Dancing slave girls! You're up next!" The screen seemed like it would bust with all the activity. Another thing I found amusing was the first big battle scene in Persia. I could barely keep up with the strategy and I guess no one else could either. So, just when I need it, a title comes up on the screen "Macedonian Center" and then later "Macedonian Left" to let all us non warrior folks understand what the hell was happening. I imagined Oliver viewing the dailies with the cinematographer: "Who are they? they look just like that other bunch of dudes!" "How will anyone figure it out?" (Photographer dude) "We'll just label them on the screen and then they'll understand." "Good, good. I like it." What a dope!

What about all those poked-out eyes? Did you see all of them? King Philip had such a scary facial scar I barely recognized Val Kilmer. O.k., he's a dude who has seen some battle. But then, in perhaps a macabre King Philip Lookalike contest I started seeing them everywhere! I counted at least four faces with similar eye scars. I'm always wondering if folks working on the film play tricks on us, the poor viewers. Were they playing a joke? Or was it just a bad year (or ten) for eye injuries? Huh.

Alexander, Alexander, Alexander. The world just isn't ready for an ambiguously gay world conquerer. Even the Greeks cried "Alexander wasn't gay! Alexander wasn't gay!" Audiences hated the gay scene so much Oliver cut it out just to sell some dvd's. What a cop out. Remember Braveheart? Remember Gladiator? Even Russell Crowe, as annoying as he can be, exuded significant manliness onscreen. And that movie didn't have one sex scene in it. In Braveheart, after the coolest battle scenes, the warriors went back to camp to rib each other and tend to their wounds. In Alexander, warriors went back to camp, washed the blood off and applied eyeliner. Even the characters in the movie were homophobic. Mom didn't seem to care but cautioned him to "get an heir!" and "remember your father!" who I guess was severely homophobic. I actually worried that Alexander was so gay he wouldn't even be able to be with a woman. But with enough slapping Rosario around he managed to make things happen.

Alexander was clunky and confusing to the non-Alexander the Great-historian. I was left guessing during the movie (what's his name?) (who the hell is that again?) as the story plodded along. But! Always a glutton for punishment I will soldier on and watch Troy next.

2005-08-19T08:45:00.000-05:00

Training Day: How to ruin your night in 122 minutes

****SPOILER ALERT**** But you'll thank me

I completely hated this movie. Not because of poor acting - Denzel portrays a sociopathic corrupt cop with unerring accuracy. I loathed his character five minutes into the movie. Ethan Hawke does his best to play Jake, a hapless rookie trying to impress his new boss. But the problem is that the new boss is psychotic, and that's where the story loses me.

Perhaps if it had been called "Training Week" or "Training Month" I could have bought it. But what were they thinking? O.k., here's the pitch: (Sidebar - anyone who has seen Tim Robbins in The Player knows how it works) Idea guy has the first appointment of the day with the studio exec. The exec hasn't had his ambien wear off yet, and is pretty groggy at the Beverly Hills restaurant they are breakfasting at. The idea guys says, "here it is. A rookie cop spends the day with his new boss, the leader of an elite narcotics squad. The rookie wants to make good. But the mayhem starts when he quickly finds out this is one dirty cop. But instead of leaving he spends the entire day with him as he spirals deeper and deeper into the abyss of corruption that is LA's police force." The studio exec spots Bruce Willis walking past his table - "Bruce, baby! How ya doin'?" "Great!, great!" The exec turns back to the idea guy, "what were you saying? "Yeah, yeah, dirty cops in L.A. Do people get killed?" "I like it, I'll take a look."

In one early scene, before all the big evil has occurred, Denzel holds his gun to our young cop's head. Now, it's clear to all that this is one crazy ass mofo. But what does Ethan do? Does he run back to the squadroom (I assume it's called that) and say, "Jesus Christ I need a reassignment!" No. He caves in to the pressure. The movie lost me right then and there.

The biggest insult of all was when the credits rolled and I saw the director's name pop up: Directed by....Antoine Fuqua! I jumped off the sofa and clenched my fists. It's official. I refuse to watch anything else directed by that man. After being rooked into watching his EPIC film "King Arthur" I thought I had sworn him off for good. But this one snuck in when I wasn't looking.

Certain folks deserve some kudos. Macy Gray played a convict's wife and her drug deficient shakes chilled me. Snoop played a crack dealer, and while that might not be much of a stretch, he was wheelchair bound and it didn't stop his badass attitude. There was a good line delivered by Denzel as he walked past a plump latina: "Hmmm, mmmm, all that jelly, and no toast."

2005-08-18T10:34:00.000-05:00

The Animatrix: The Wachowski Brothers watch "Heavy Metal" and get the munchies

These were really cool. Nine short movies created by the brothers showcasing CGI and Japanese anime. How cool is that? I was really geeked watching this last night. A rather strong warning at the beginning "this is rated R!" alerted me that this was no Matrix-as-cartoon fit for kids event. Whew! Thank God they were all in bed. True to its rating, it was violent.

What I liked about the films was that the animation for each was different. The first one, Final Flight of the Osiris, feels just like a game - except the characters get naked! That's her butt! I shut my eyes. Then we had some Trinity style jumps and an ashphalt-rippling landing that was way cool.

The Second Renaissance I and II gave us a history lesson with pretty obvious political parallels to real life. Machines getting crushed by tanks in Tienanman Square, for example. I felt as if I were watching scenes from Terminator with the rise of the machines stuff. Those two also had some trippy psychedelic scenes with lots of colors, dude. Made me feel like I was either going to have a grand mal seizure or a flashback.

My favorite film was "A Detective Story" which had a film noir feel to it with black and white comic book colors. Seeing '40's style items such as rotary telephones and typewriter mixed in with computer screens was a cool way of mixing the old with the new. In this film a Sam Spade-styled detective is hired to search for Trinity. He finds her, of course, which leads to an unhappy ending. It was perfect!

This DVD is for die hard Matrix fans. I was brought back to my memories of watching "Heavy Metal" on WHT, which for the young was our first foray into cable, Wometco Home Theater. I recently found I can buy a copy of Heavy Metal on tape or DVD. I think that's going to be one for the wishlist.

2005-08-17T10:54:00.000-05:00

National Treasure: Aw, c'mon Nick! What gives?

****Spoiler Alert**** But, who cares?

I watched “National Treasure” one night and was sorely disappointed. There is Nicholas Cage, acting his little heart out, for this yucky piece of formulaic Disney fluff. One of the characters even commented at the end, “well, you got the girl” to which Nick replied, “yes, I did” as he kisses the blond. [Gaaaack] I loved the tidbits of American history but the movie plot was so embarrassingly superficial my nose was permanently wrinkled. I hope the actors had fun making the movie and a few bucks on the side. And I’m sure a host of 10-14 year olds enjoyed seeing a grown up movie with Mom and Dad. Ah well.

Whoever executed the dumbing down of National Treasure deserves a spanking. It had the bones of a great “Da Vinci Code” style story and it could have had a tremendous edge. I was attracted to it because of Nicholas Cage and Jon Voight as well as Sean Bean as the villain. The comments section of IMDB reports “PG movies are back with a vengeance!” My sentiments exactly.

And how could I forget? Harvey Keitel! He plays the FBI agent who is chasing Nicholas Cage because he stole the Declaration of Independence. Like I said, for the heavyweights in the movie it was a real shame.

2005-08-17T10:15:00.000-05:00

Pitch Black: Yeah, o.k., all right, I get it. (P.S. this is not a picture of Vin Diesel in the movie. I think those are espresso cups).

****SPOILER ALERT****
I was lucky to find a copy of Pitch Black at my local library. I watched it the other night and was very pleased! Although it lacked depth in parts, and made a few mistakes, it was a well done B movie. I wondered if Frye from the cartoon “Futurama” was named after the docking pilot from this movie. (She was the mistake: when they were skittering across the atmosphere, and the “windshield” blew out, she didn’t get burned or anything). But Frye was a great name for her character and I thought she lent a tough seriousness to the role.

Remember the end when Riddick got to the ship and was going to leave without the others? And Frye shows up? I thought he looked almost embarrassed as he attempted to help her into the ship, after breaking her spirit (or so he thought). But then she died and he had his Streetcar moment (“Stella!”) shouting “it was supposed to be me!” or whatever he said. Then he flew away with the black guy and “girl/boy” Jack.

I loved the junkie mercenary. He was a tough, kick ass kind of guy brought down by a habit. And shooting up in his eye was marvelously skin-crawling.

Maybe I was a little tired watching it but I found it difficult to figure out what everyone was doing on the ship. Did Jack belong to the antiques dealer? Where the hell was everyone going? Who were all those people? The woman with the long dark hair? And the ship seemed to be hit by unfriendly fire but they never seemed to agree why. I was trying to pay attention, really.

I thought hard about the second movie (Chronicles of...) based on the first. Riddick’s reluctant hero/criminal/superstrong/tough guy character isn’t fully explained. It seems he’s human but had the operation on his eyes so he could see in the darkness of prison. But did that make him blind in the light? I saw him looking around without his sungoggles on. What was this talk about his race being so special? The handprint on his chest?

The aliens were cool killing beasts and I wished we had seen them in the second movie. Not those stupid Necromongers. Maybe if they gave birth to the aliens it would have made more sense. I guess David Twohey has been taking Epic lessons from Antoine Fuqua. He said, “I can do that!” And Vin said, “Yeah, I’ll, like, be the star, and have all the cool lines, and the other dudes will talk like the guys who were in ‘I, Claudius’ on PBS.”

I decided to rename the Chronicles of Riddick to: “Pitch Black II: Not so dark.”

2005-08-12T08:20:00.000-05:00

Million Dollar Baby: Darn those Oscar Winners!

I know it's really bad form to knock Oscar winners but I did not like this movie. I tried, though, but I just couldn't do it. I usually avoid obvious chick flicks like the plague but this one was cleverly disguised as a good movie, one that everyone must see. MDB wasn't a chick flick exactly, or a date movie. I put it more into the Grandma/Grandpa class with the aging Clint Eastwood and Morgan Freeman. Plus, it was sad, and, while I can appreciate honest movies without happy endings, this one hit too many sad buttons for one evening. (Whew! That was a lot of commas!)

Anyway, let's talk about the good and the bad. Danger, our boxing gym groupie, was a hoot. I enjoyed his antics and was genuinely pissed when he was attacked by those gym thugs. Lucia Rijker was excellent as Billie, the title holder Maggie fights. She was one scary lady, with her powerful shoulders and evil look in her eye. Reminded me of riding the bus in NYC.

I was confused about a couple of things with Maggie's character. One of the problems she had was her age. She's supposed to be "too old" when she's taken on by Frank. I can handle that she doesn't have much education but her goggle-eyed naivete runs really deep for a 31 year old. What has she been doing for the past ten or eleven years? Honing her waitress skills and dreaming about boxing? (I'm not even going to discuss her gross practice of stealing leftovers, it's too desperate). There's no man, or illegitimate kids about. Only the estranged relationship with her family. That didn't wash for me. Although I did like her flaw! In a candid moment she asks Frank an odd question: "how much does she (his daughter) weigh?" Reacting to his confusion she reveals, "in my family, trouble comes by the pound." That was a terrific line, and I loved it. Harboring a deep prejudice against the overweight humanized her for me.

One of my favorite characters was the F-bomb-dropping Catholic priest. We don't see him very often but I believed in his frustration with Frank and his annoying questions about faith. His advice to Frank at the end of the movie was right on, but, since Frank hasn't listened to him for the last 20 years he wasn't going to start then.

After being accepted by Frank, the training begins. With probably some more annoying voice over from Morgan Freeman, we get the workout montage. Every good transformation movie has a workout montage! Remember GI Jane? And those one-armed pushups? Ah, those were the days, Demi. But I digress. Anyway, Hillary's strength and physical fitness was something to be admired. And she can even be forgiven for wearing that ugly blue dress at the Oscar's for wanting to show off her back.

Sad to say, I found Million Dollar Baby really boring. It was about fifteen minutes too long and the pacing too slow. And while I don't want to do any spoilers here, I found the very end of the movie fell flat in the believability department. The type of thing that happens is, in this country, a crime that would have been investigated as such. Going off for a slice of pie didn't cut it for me. (No pun intended).

2005-08-10T09:58:00.000-05:00

Blade Trinity: Next Gen of Vampire Ass Kickers

*****SPOILER ALERT*****

I love surprises. Flowers, birthday parties, Christmas. Don't tell me what the present is! I don't want to know! Just surprise me. Which is what made me so happy about this movie. Who knew that Jessica Biel would be so fantastic as a warrior princess? And that Ryan Reynolds would deliver his lines with acerbic clarity while barechested? I mean, he *must* work out. Fabulous effort, Ryan!

I always like it when actors portray their characters with humility and Jessica did so elegantly. Perhaps I should thank the costumer but I loved her work with the bow and arrow and the zip up leather sleeves of her jacket. I appreciated that her boobs were under control. (Ryan Reynolds' were not, however, he flexed those pecs all over the place). The weapon of the day was the light-saber-bow-thingy which vaporized the vamps in a way cool fashion. She wielded it well.

Parker Posey never disappoints. In Blade she trades her mouthful of 'Best In Show' braces for a set of vampire teeth and acts sufficiently psychotic. Although I was a little skeptical as to why she didn't rip out Ryan's throat when he was slave chained to the floor, taunting her mercilessly. But we couldn't hurt him too badly, I guess. I would have liked a little bite, however.

Drake (Draco?) scared the pants off me in the beginning of the movie. I love a pop up! I really enjoyed the opening scene with the "soldiers" walking through the desert. I don't know if that was really Parker, but I thought - that's a woman! as she swung her hips and arms. I admit I was surprised when Drake took a human form. My mental image of men from antiquity include long hair. His military buzz cut was sexy, but modern. I forgave him when he too removed his shirt.

But wait a sec. What happened to Whistler? O.k., he doesn't get burned up in the warehouse because he comes back with Drake (doing his own dirty work, probably for fun) to steal the kid and Ryan. Then we don't see him again! Is he a vampire now? A ghost? Alive? If I missed something, please help me out.

Wesley does play Blade as kind of a cranky bastard loner but, in Trinity, he comes across as a little wooden, I thought. Although he railed at the team for the 'Hello' name tags, I found those funny. Nothing like a little in-your-face before you take 'em out. And as I mentioned before, what was up with the bicycle shorts? All my CSI watching has taught me that bodies are prepared by washing down with a hose prior to beginning the autopsy. Yet Blade leaps off the table - with pants on! I can just imagine him talking to the director: "My ass ain't going on screen. It's in my contract! You get me some pants or I ain't doing this scene!" I'm hung up about the pants.

One of my many favorite lines came from Ryan as Parker lay dying, "you wait here pumpkin, I'll go for help." I might not have gotten it exactly right, but that's about it. Another great line was delivered by Blade to the chief of police who was whining about being killed by the vampires if he snitched: "But they'll kill me!", he complains. "What?!, I'LL kill you, motherf***ker!" He seemed truly annoyed.

Call me crazy, but we're going to see Blade 4.

2005-08-09T09:49:00.000-05:00

Constantine: Mr. Anderson sees dead people.

I wished they would have put Keanu in a sweater. It's time to lose the black suit, white shirt and black tie. Anyway Constantine is a solid-story flick well suited to the Halloween creepy movie season. I know I'm a day late and a dollar short on watching all these movies but that's what dvd's are for. Cut me a little, o.k.?

I really liked Tilda Swinton as the angel Gabriel. She was sufficiently androgynous when we first see the meeting with John in her man's suit and tie. She towered over him. Her clear skin and strawberry curls were a sharp contrast to what she was saying to Constantine: Re getting into heaven, "you're f**ked." My brain struggled to reconcile the non-angelic words with her appearance. What!? That's what happens when I don't really know the story going into it. Oh well.

I was impressed with Gavin Rossdale's smarmy performance as the demon Balthazar. With his slicked back hair and pinstriped suit he was pretty window dressing. Thank goodness his role was small so he didn't have much opportunity to screw it up. Musical crossovers can have disastrous consequences, right Mariah? Yikes.

Very honorable mention goes to our Mexican friend who finds the spear of destiny in the very beginning of the movie. In a non speaking part he manages to convey the desperation of being a scavenger and then showing real screen prescence through only facial expressions as he travels north to L.A. The herd dropping dead was a nice touch, too.

I think Satan was my favorite character. "Lou, what took you so long?" His red rimmed eyes and gooey black feet made my skin crawl. And I loved the tattoos peeking up from the neck of his white suit. I would have paid money to get a glimpse of those. (I want to get a tattoo in my hair so I was intrigued). The devil's appearance brought the story around in a real "who's your daddy" moment. A great plot twist.

I really need to see this movie again. Not for Keanu or Rachel but for the other supporting characters. They were much more colorful and interesting than either of them.

2005-08-05T13:00:00.000-05:00

The Incredibles: Not a (just for) kid's movie.

O.k., maybe it is. But this time the writers got it backwards. Ususally, a kid's movie is made with enough high level dialog and jokes to keep parents interested while the kids enjoy the bright colors zipping past their eyes on the screen. In The Incredibles, the story was SO good, and the dialog so relevant, that the good vs. evil part was much less important.

Storyline for kids: Superhero family fights bad superhero and his big monster machine

Storyline for adults: Superhero family currently in the witness protection program struggle to cope with the frustration hiding their true selves from others and function in their day to day lives. The parents deal with issues as perceived infidelity, differing parenting styles and emotional distance. And oh, yeah, they fight bad guys too.

The casting was of tremendous quality - Craig T. Nelson, Holly Hunter, and Samuel Jackson as Mr. Incredible, Elastigirl, and Frozone. I was so drawn in by the film I forgot I was watching a cartoon. My husband remarked that my son was wandering away in the theater and I said, "you chase him."

The DVD has some terrific extras such as an alternate beginning which is a little scary. Bob (Mr. Incredible) seems to accidentally cut off his own hand at a barbeque when distracted by an argument his wife gets into. Of course, since he's nigh invulnerable (yes, that's a Tick reference) the cleaver bends into the shape of his fist. It was a little dark (think of the children!) so I'm glad they went in another direction.

The villian, Syndrome, an embittered fan gone off the edge, has tremendous presence in the movie. He even had the best line: while spouting off to Mr. Incredible, our intrepid hero tries to make his escape. Syndrome says, "ho ho ho!, Mr. Incredible! You caught me monologuing!" I loved this movie.

2005-08-04T10:50:00.000-05:00

Torque or "I love trick motorcycle movies."

I have to tell you, the motorcycle you see pictured here does NOT appear in the movie, "Torque." This motorcycle is mine, it's a Suzuki DRZ400SM. But on to Torque.

Torque, in one unremarkable evening, became one of my favorite B-movies. Our Tom Cruise lookalike lead, Martin Henderson, does a bang up job playing Cary Ford. The character's name is ironic because he presumeably hates cars. Yet throughout the movie various characters shout "Ford!" again and again which constantly reminds viewers of that ubiquitous American brand.

But everyone is great in this movie! I so appreciate how all the actors pulled off their parts in this movie without being too serious. And did you see Jesse James? And how they dissed him? I almost came out of my seat. The cameo was so quick and my mind reeled with "you gotta be kidding me!" The movie didn't need Jesse but we forgive them.

Sure, the story was weak in parts but the motorcycle stunts were outstanding. The chase scene through the grove of palm trees had my fists clenched. And there was a fight scene with chicks - on bikes! While clearly a rip off from Mission Impossible (I or II I don't remember) to change gender was inspired.

If you don't want to strain yourself mentally, rent this movie. The reason it's way better than Biker Boyz is, I'm sorry Laurence, that movie took itself way too seriously. Torque is an enjoyable romp in the B-movie, fast vehicle, genre and I loved it.

2005-08-03T12:25:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the site! Let's get started.

A Knights Tale or Heath Ledger gets medieval on our ass.

A terrific rental! You know, I really enjoyed that juvenile piece of fluff. I haven't watched it in some time now but I remember the best parts. I have conveniently forgotton the bad ones. I remember frowning about the music during the opening scene (Queens' We will rock you) and then my eyes widening in surprise that the actors were stomping their feet in time to the music! That was good stuff. I thought, "what are we in for, here?"

The sprinkling of modern images in the film was clever. Remember the nike swoop hammered into his suit of armour by our female blacksmith sidekick? The one scene (and line) that made me laugh out loud was his cinderella-like preparation for the ball: The female sidekick asks, "you're not going to wear your hair like that, are you?" And Heath, looking sexily mussed, cheerily replies, "oh, is there another way?"

I'm glad Heath went beyond this film (and the Patriot) to make a movie like Monster's Ball. We'll pick that up another time. I have a meeting.

Thank you Chris!